Four More Weeks

     November 25th, 2012.
     8:58pm

     I've had enough. I literally cannot take this any longer. I'm tired of looking and feeling this way. I'm done looking into the mirrors and not seeing what I want to see. I have stretch marks everywhere on my body. I have acne all over my upper body. My entire body is gross and fat. I hate looking at myself, and I can't even imagine how others must feel. I can't live like this any longer.

     For the first semester this year, I told myself that I would just "try out" Fitness Challenge. I didn't commit to working as hard as I could every day. I didn't commit to eating right all the time. I didn't even change my eating habits all that much. I have not worked my hardest to look and feel great, and it's tearing me apart.

     There is no way I can continue in my old ways. For the first time in a long time, I literally didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to give up. I wanted to just crawl back under the covers and close my eyes to ease all of the pain that I am not willing to fix. I can't give up though. Things can get better if I seriously set my mind to it.

     Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new beginning for me, where I've come so far already, but I'm now I'm finally willing to give it all I've got.

     Starting tomorrow:

1.       Nutrition

• Considering the fact that I eat whatever I see, I'm now only going to eat whole foods. We've learned about these in Nutrition and Wellness, and also in Fitness Challenge.
• I am only allowed to eat anything processed on the weekends (in moderation).
• As far as what I drink, I tend to drink a lot of my calories. This should be the case for everyone, but I'm going to drink at least half of my body weight in ounces of water every single day. I am in Fitness Challenge and swimming, so it'll really help with those. It should also help my skin clarity.
• I need to actually eat breakfast every single day, and eat or drink something full of protein after working out. I should be eating 3-5 times per day (for me it will be before school around 7am, during Enrichment/Advising which is around 9:30am, at lunch around 11:30am, after school and before swim practice around 3pm, and at dinner time which is normally around 6pm.
• Also, I really struggle with limiting myself to what I eat after dinner. I usually snack at night, so I'm going to make sure I don't eat after 7pm (unless it's something small and a whole food).
• Personally, I know this doesn't help many people because they find it to be tedious, but it helps me if I write down everything I've eaten for that day. I just need to remember to keep a journal with me at all times!

2.       Fitness

• People may think I'm being a little insane, but I need to workout even more if I want better results. On Mondays I workout a total of about three hours, on Tuesdays and Thursdays for about four hours, on Wednesdays and Fridays for about two and a half hours, and on the weekends it varies (about an hour generally). I need to do a little in the mornings, after dinner, and definitely on the weekends.
• During the times when I do get the opportunity to workout, I need to give it all I've got. I've been just going easy during my workouts and I need to do my best as much as I can. I definitely think I give myself a little too much slack, because I know I am capable of working out really hard.

3.       School

• It's already 10:30, as I've been trying to type on and off for a few hours now. But I'm going to stay up as late as I need to in order to finish as much homework as I can for tomorrow. I literally had no time over break to do any of my homework, so I need to make sure I commit to doing it tonight.
• These next four weeks (until the end of the semester and until break) I'm going to work my butt off by turning in my work on time, turning in any eligible missing work, studying as much as possible, and by totally rocking finals!
• I need to talk to my teachers about my grades, because they've never been this bad. A lot of them aren't willing to work with me, but I know many of them will try and help me out. I know my counselors at school and my friends and swim coach will always help me out though.

4.       Personal Care

• I always forget about this one. I just need to take care of my body on the outside, by actually using Proactive on my skin (which really works for me if I actually use it - it'll probably work for you too if you have oily skin like me!). Also, I'm not going to cake on unnecessary makeup, because I hate wearing it in the first place. I can't dress the way I want to until my family gets more stable with money  and until I get the body I know I deserve, but I'm going to rock my sweats and tshirts!

This is really random, but I thought I'd answer this. I kind of refuse to answer some of these because they are so incredibly personal, but I saw this on my friend's Facebook and I thought it'd be worth a shot! I'm bored, don't judge haha. I've also deleted some and renumbered many because they were so incredibly inappropriate for the circumstances.

1. Ever cheated on someone? How many times?: I never have cheated on anybody and I never plan to. When someone cheats on you, it's the worst feeling in the world. I don't think anybody deserves that, and if anybody has cheated on me, I definitely ended the relationship as soon as possible. It's so disrespectful and it's one of those things that I just don't tolerate.
2. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Or if you are a virgin, what age do you think you’ll lose it at?: 3. Are you “in love” with somebody? I'm not "in love" but I definitely love and care for so many people. Ryan D. and Alyssa are just two of the many!

5. Have you ever done anything sexual on your parents bed?:
6. Ever been “the other person” in an affair?: 7. How many people do you have a crush on right now?: Not many actually. It's kind of the least of my worries at the moment, for some reason.

9. Ever had a one night stand?:
10. Ever gotten drunk and couldn’t remember the night?:

11. Ever been sexually harassed and/or assaulted?:

12. Ever had a crush on your neighbor?: My neighbors have all either been really old people or people with their own families. I've never had neighbors that were around my own age (it's all the same for my mom's house, my father's house, and my dad's house).
13. Ever snuck out of the house?:
14. How many illegal drugs have you tried?
15. Do you do any drug regularly?:
16. If you’re underage, do you still drink and/or smoke cigarettes?: 18. Ever attempted suicide?: I've never attempted it.

19. Ever been to therapy? What for?: Yes, I went for the first time when I was 12 and I had a bad experience. I just started going again this past year and I really love my new counselor/therapist (or whatever you want to call her). I'm going for depression/anxiety, and for a lot of other things.
20. Have you ever been so upset that you stopped eating?: Yes
21. Are you clinically depressed? Are you taking anything for it?: Yes I am and I am taking some medicine that starts with a C, but I haven't been taking them lately and I'm not really sure why.

23. How old were you when you first got kissed?: Haha... (no comment)
24. Is there any “friend” of yours that you secretly hate but talk to anyway?: I don't hate really anybody, but I have strongly disliked people that I just put up with.
25. Ever been in a relationship and wanted to end it, but stuck with it for some reason?: Yes, I didn't have the heart to end it with him, but we are not together anymore. I finally got up the courage though.
26. Ever sent naked pictures to someone?:
27. What about sent them to someone you met over the Internet?:
28. Ever been abused?: 29. Did you ever run away? How long were you gone for and what happened?: No I haven't. I honestly don't know where I'd go.
30. Do you ever lie to yourself about things so much that you believe it?: Yeah I try to convince myself of things all the time but that doesn't last long. I'm too smart for my own well-being!

31. Have you ever liked someone when you were dating someone else?: Oh yeah, but I don't think it's fair for anybody, so I try to stop myself before anybody gets hurt.
32. Ever dated a friend’s ex?: No, I definitely don't roll that way.

33. Ever done something with your friend’s significant other?:
34. Did anyone ever confide in you about being gay/lesbian?:
36. Do you know of someone who has done a horrible crime but never got caught?

37. Ever stole a large sum of money?: Nope
38. Ever purposely threw up?: Yeah

39. Ever had an eating disorder? What happened?: I've had a few "eating disorders" for awhile I guess you could stay. For about a year I went through a phase where I wouldn't eat anything. For about 6 months I would binge eat, and I currently would consider what I have to be an eating disorder (where I overeat).

40. Did you or anyone you know have an abortion?:
41. Were you or any of your siblings in an accident?: 41. What’s your #1 biggest fear?: Failing
43. Have you ever faced that fear? What happened?: I'm currently failing. I'm failing in more ways then one you could say. I'm failing in school, I'm failing at taking care of myself, I'm failing as a daughter, and I'm failing as a friend. Progression is key, though, and I'm working on it.

#Haileigh

     Goodnight everybody. I hope you read this and take the time to really focus on the words I said. I'd like to hear your feedback also! Message me on Facebook or something and let me know what else I should post about, or just what you think. I love getting feedback. Have a nice night guys, and thanks again for reading this.

     I hope you can relate to some of the things I say. You better take this all into consideration too. I hope for the next four weeks, whether you're a student or a parent or teacher or whatever, you rock it until Christmas, where you are able to relax and spend time with the ones you love. Your hard work will pay off! Good luck tomorrow, on the first Monday back from a long Thanksgiving break.

Tuesday

     November 14th, 2012.
     9:54pm
     The fact that I am still up after a day like this truly does amaze me. Yesterday, I literally worked out for a total of about three and a half hours. Fitness Challenge and swim practice totally kicked my butt, and I ended up eating my dinner with Alyssa and then going straight to bed. 12 hours of sleep last night wasn't even enough to make me feel energized for the day. Today I had Accounting I, College Algebra, Yearbook, and College Prep. Biology. Lets just say that I don't fancy my Red days, but luckily, I didn't fall asleep in any of my classes. I had swimming today from 3:30-5:30, and it was actually a pretty decent practice. All of us girls weight lifted with the wrestling boys for about a half an hour, which seemed to really make the swimming portion of practice go by quickly. I don't even know what stroke we worked on, that's how much I don't get swimming, but I'm guessing we were doing butterfly (because I struggled with the chicken, airplane, solider kicks), freestyle, and backstroke.
     It was definitely a better day for me than it was yesterday. I broke down crying twice during practice yesterday because I felt so out of it and so freaking overwhelmed. I honestly just need to rant about my swimming experience from yesterday, because I definitely don't think there is any way I'll be able to get over it. Anyways, I absolutely hate changing in front of other people. I don't change in front of strangers, friends, family, or anybody for that matter. I don't like my body with clothes, and I sure as heck don't like it without them. If I can't stand to look at myself, then I don't expect others to either. Every practice I exclude myself from the other girls just to go and change in the separate stall because I'm that self-conscious. It's not that I don't trust the other girls or anything, it's just that is how I am. I don't want to say that "it's just who I am and who I always will be", because I hope one day I'll be comfortable around others. Today may not be the day, but one day... Anyways, Katie, Felicia, and I all walked into the pool area with all the other girls. Immediately I felt totally judged. I don't know if I was just being paranoid or if girls were actually hating, but there were a few girls who religiously gave me elevator eyes. When someone judges me like, I don't even know how to respond to it all.
     To be continued...

Monday

     November 12th, 2012
     8:29pm
     It has definitely just been one of those days. It has been one of those days where I hate everybody and everything. I must forewarn you that I'm in this type of mood for a reason, and if you don't want to sit there and listen to me explain what truly bothers me, then go on reading some other blog about a bunch of BS. I'm going to be straight up in this post, but I'm trying to restrict myself from using cruel language. Although I'd like to just throw the F-bomb around here and there, I definitely am trying to maintain an image with this blog. Also, it's just not the time or place for me to go all gangster on this bus-iness (wow, I literally just said that out loud in the whitest way possible)!
     Anyways, today has been weird. I actually finished all my 'home'work at school today, and turned it all in on time. Since I honestly can't seem to narrow down my day, I'm just going to start from the beginning. If you haven't noticed, when I haven't posted in a long time, my coming back post is always uber long and tedious. I guess that's just how I roll...
     When I woke up this morning, I took a really quick shower just to wash off my spray tan stuff from last night. If you saw what happen to me at the end of 8th grade year after I did my first spray tan, you probably just laughed all over yourself at that. No, but in all seriousness, I know how to actually put it on now. I'm really trying to look okay for swimming, so I definitely think that this will help me feel better about myself. Anyways, I got ready like normal today, and walked the few doors down to school. Starting off, I was already in one of those blah moods. Part of it could be just because it was a Monday, but also because of the weather. As fun as it is to dress up in big sweatshirts and fuzzy boots, I'd much rather be out playing in the ocean, soaking up the warm sun. Winter is fun for me, for about a week. It's so annoying when the pretty, fluffy snow turns into slushy, dirty grime on the streets. I hate the look of that. Colorado is crazy, though. It literally blizzarded on us at the football game on Saturday, and a few days from now we could be back in the 40-50 degree weather. Oh, Colorado.
     My first class of the day was Accounting: talk about a bummer. It's not that I don't like the class, it's just that I don't care! It sounds a little harsh, but honestly, it's not one of those things I'm really worried about getting really into. Sure, I'm going to need to know how to balance a check book someday or manage my bank account other ways, but this class is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. My most favorite part about it is getting to spend time with my buddy Mireya. We've gotten really close this year, and I'm so happy she moved back. Cross my fingers, but I hope we still keep in touch after she moves. Anywho, we always have a lot of fun in that class adding "yo mama" after every other sentence. We can easily talk to each other about our stupid boy drama and everything else that goes on throughout our lives. She's a really good and trustworthy person, and I wish more people could see that.
     Right after Accounting I had Fitness Challenge. This is one of my most favorite classes of the day, not only because I get to spend even more time with Mireya, but because I get to workout and totally feel okay about it. In Fitness Challenge, it's an all-girl class, and I absolutely adore that idea. I love it because I genuinly think girls are more understanding and helpful than guys as far as fitness and personal health. Whenever I work out with guys, I always feel judged because I can't lift as much as them or train as hard at times. Whenever I'm around the girls, we all generally lift the same and struggle with similar things. I never feel alone in that class, as I'm surrounded by the most amazing group of girls. Mary has helped me through so much this year, she honestly deserves an award herself. Whenever I'd be finishing up the mile, she'd come and finish it out with me. She cheered me on while I was benching real heavy at the beginning of the year, when I was struggling in our gym workouts, and on so many other occasions. It's so good to know that I have other people who believe in me. Wendy is also such a loving and beautiful person inside and out. I have her in Yearbook with me too, so I feel like we've really gotten to know each other this year. When she can she always lends me a hand or encourages me with her kind words. These girls will never, ever know how much it all means to me. Sure, I'm posting about it all, but words don't even describe these things. Other then these girls, I can name so many others who have helped me in one way or another. I wish I could personally thank every single person ever who has made an impact on my life.
     It's 11:24 now. No, it did not take me three hours to type this. It literally took me like 10 minutes and I've just bee jacking around. I'm going to definitely post tomorrow, because I need to include something big about swimming. Have a good night. I hope I still have a reader or two!

Breakaway

    October 2nd, 2012.
     11:29pm

     Just thought I'd share this video with you guys. It has always made me feel so motivated after watching it. I'll create a better post later. Food for thought <3

Homecoming Week

     October 1st, 2012.
     9:15pm

     What a day. This is not exactly the way I hoped homecoming week would start off. I hate being friends with girls. I hate the lieing. I hate the back-stabbing. I hate the jealousy. I hate the name calling. I hate all the two-faced people. Is it really that hard to go up to somebody and confront them about a problem? What benefits come out of talking smack about the people you claim to truly care about?

I love everything about this:
absolutely everything.

     Personally, there is a huge difference between talking smack and venting. Today at lunch, I vented. I vented to all three of my girls who have the same problem with this other girl as I do. We vented! I told them what was going on, I told them how I felt, and I told them what I was going to do about the whole situation. I didn't talk about irrelevant crap that everyone else wants to constantly gab about. Girls these days want to judge each other for every single little thing; from the shoes the other girls wear to the people they talk to. Honestly, who cares! I'm only worried about me, and the manner of all the other people I care about. All the rest is just jumbo.

I feel think about this every
single day!

     11:17pm

     I am currently watching the movie Eat, Pray, Love. If you want to know how I feel or what my ambition is, just watch this movie. I can relate to about 80% of feelings she is having in the movie, and the other 20% I can't relate to because I'm not in that stage of my life (yet). I really want to just drop everything and travel. Go to a different country, with different people, and live in a different style of life. I'm looking forward to my life. More and more every day, I have to remind myself why I'm still alive. I have to remind myself that someday I will be scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef. Someday I will be surfing on the beach in California. One day I will be in Mexico playing volleyball in the silky sand. Like I said, I constantly have to remind myself that this will all be worth it. With hard work and dedication, I will make it there.

KARMA

     September 30th, 2012.
     11:37pm
     I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Don't ask me why, but it's just always in the back of my head. And it makes me laugh, honestly. I keep thinking about how much my life would be different if I was a healthy and happy weight. I keep thinking about how good it will feel to "reject" all of the guys who never treated me right when I was big. I wish I was just saying that. I'm definitely not trying to sound coincided: that's the least of my intent. Honestly, if a guy ends up "liking" me, he'll almost never prove it in person. It's because he is embarrassed to be around me. He's embarrassed to have a thing with a big girl. I've had a guy actually tell me this before, so don't just think that I'm saying this to feel sorry for myself. When I'm the way I want to look, I am not going to give not one of those guys the time of day. To every single guy I've ever been picked on or put down by because of my weight: forget you. I meant nothing to you, so you mean nothing to me. For all the guys out there that I have deeply liked and you've treated me like I was nothing; all I have to say is karma is a *jerk*.
:) Have a good night.

Negativity

September 29, 2012

8:30pm

            I don’t know where to really start with this post. Overall, I’m actually pretty offended about this whole situation. Recently, I’ve received some comments from a few individuals about my blog from people that I really care about. I’m not creating this post just because I have people out there who have a problem with how I express myself. I honestly just want to make sure I clarify a few things.

            I think I’ve made it pretty clear about the purpose of my blog. Losing2Gain is all about ridding of my setbacks and trying to completely change my life for the better. Also, I created this blog just so I have a “safe” place where I can completely be me. I want my story to be heard, but I am worried that it is being misinterpreted.

            The whole reason why I’ve talked about boys on my blog is just to show other girls that they are not alone. Secretly, every girl wants to have an amazing relationship with a guy. There is no way you can sit there and tell me that you don’t dream about what life would be like with the man of your dreams. Every girl wants to fall in love with a handsome prince! A girl may not admit it, but she still cannot deny it. Growing up without a dad has always been hard from day 1. I may not have realized it as much as I do now, but it has always made me feel bad about myself. I’ve heard a lot of things about how girls who grow up without a father configures with dramatic effects in their everyday lives when they reach their teen years. Most girls I know who don’t have a father feel similar to the way I feel and struggle with the same things too. Honestly, it only makes sense for me to feel so needy! The purpose of me talking about Taylor and all of the other things I said involving boys was not to make yall feel sorry for me. I’m not trying to come off as a desperate school girl with an obsession for the male gender. If you honestly think that is my intention, I’m seriously worried. You don’t know me well enough. In person, I generally act pretty freaking boy crazy. Yeah, I’ll admit it. I think a lot of guys are attractive. I think a lot of guys are nice. I think a lot of guys are approachable. I’m not that different from every other girl; I’m just a lot more open about it then most! Take Alyssa for example. She knows me probably more than anybody else. I’ve explained this concept to her numerous times. I act boy crazy sometimes just to get a good laugh out of the people around me. You know me: I’m always trying to make others smile! Believe it or not, I’m not obsessed with every boy I meet ;)

Anyways, I was also criticized for coming off as “unapproachable” with the way I act in my blog. Someone told me that if a guy was reading my blog, he won’t be attracted to me because I seem all depressed and self conscious all the time. All I have to say to this is that again this is not my intention. I deeply feel that if I tell others how I am feeling, maybe others can help me. Or, I can just “blog” about how I am feeling about something. The people I connect with in my blog should know me pretty well by now, and it’s easier for me to type out my feelings then to verbally communicate. The whole purpose of my blog is to better my life, am I not right? If a guy is reading this and he gets turned off by my struggles, what is a girl to do? I have no control of my past, only my present. It really hurts me that someone would be so not attracted to me just because of the things I say in my blog. It’s not like I’m trying to create this pity party and I want all potential boyfriends to read it! If you are a guy and you are reading this: cheers. And I just want you to know that I really appreciate you reading this. Don’t worry, there is still a lot more that you don’t know about me. My blog only really focuses on the things I’m trying to improve, not the things that I have truly achieved. Honestly, I’m not depressed everyday. And once in a blue moon I do have my confident days. I’m growing, just like anyone else, and I’m trying to see the good in myself. I see so much greatness in others, and I hope you guys can genuinely see that I deeply care about most individuals. Honest to blog, don’t take every single statement I make in this blog to heart. Sometimes I write out of anger, lust, loss; you just got to get used to it!

September 18th

     September 18th, 2012
     6pm
     I have not posted in such a long time! Oh my goodness! It's crazy how time flies, honestly. I've been so busy with school and friends and extra curricular activities and all of that. The important thing is that I'm posting now, right?
     In all honesty, I have so much to post, it's not even funny. So much has happened within the last month. Since school has started, I've been attending CAT sessions when I can. If you don't know, CAT is Core Academic Tutoring at Eaton High School. Sometimes I'm assigned to it, but other times I just go in for a little extra help. The last thing I want to do is get behind this year! CAT is every day after school, and certain subjects are assigned a certain day. For instance, today was math CAT, where any student enrolled in a math class could go in for help or go in to get caught back up with whatever they are missing. It's pretty nice that the school has this on such a consistent basis. I see students in CAT almost every day.
     On Tuesdays, I go and see my counselor Susan in Greeley. It's really nice to talk to someone who doesn't know everything about you, and who can give you an outsider's opinion. Mrs. Kaysen, my amazing couselor at school, suggested I go and see the people that work at this Banner Health facility. I honestly don't know what I would do without Susan and Mrs. Kaysen! I don't really want to go into further detail about my couseling, but maybe one day I can open up about this.
     Most every other day, I am generally with my friends. We go to games, occasionally finish homework together, and basically just hang out!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
     11:30pm
     Have you ever just cried? Have you ever just felt like nothing goes right, like nothing is truly worth it anymore? Ever just feel hopeless, miserable, and so alone?
     I hate when I look at pictures of me. I hate it more than anything else. This weekend, Alyssa took a whole bunch of pictures of us shopping for homecoming dresses. When I looked at the group picture of all of us, it just really hurt. It hurts to know that I am the fattest out of all of my friends. It hurts to know that I am trying so hard to change, yet I still feel worse and worse each time I look into the mirror. I can't even explain the feelings I get when I look at myself. All I see is this huge beast. I don't see this strong, funny, smart person that everyone else sees. I see a girl who eats all of her feelings. I see a girl who still has never kissed a guy because of the way she looks. I see this sophmore girl who has been trying to change the way she looks since she was just a little girl in elementary school. I'm never going to accept the way I look, looking like this. I want to be freaking happy already, and I can't do that when I feel like this because I look like this. It's not so much a feeling of sadness anymore. It's more of a feeling of pain. I feel a pain deep down in my gut, deep inside my heart, and in the pit of my throat. I'm just not sure anymore. I just don't know.

Destroy What Destroys You

     August 18th, 2012.

     At this very moment, I'm watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. This is ultimately one of my favorite shows. I love being able to see people transform right before my eyes. I dream of being just like those people one of these days. It's so hard, like I've said before in a previous entry, to lose weight when you're not old enough to go on a weight loss show, to drive to a gym to workout, or to even buy my own good foods to eat to keep me on track. The youngest person I've seen on one of these shows was 18, and I know for a fact that I can't wait until I'm a senior/graduated to get some help!

     Because I'm the type of person who likes to have a plan (I'm so much like my mom at times), I wanted to know where I stand physically. I do a lot of research, because I'm on the computer all the time. Also, Health, Nutrition & Wellness I, and Catering I this year helped me out a lot with expanding what I know about my body.

    

     My statistics stand as followed:

I'm hopefully going to be joining the swim team this year,
and I pray for a change <3

Name: Jehna Hope Powell

Gender: Female

Age: 15 1/2

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 249 lbs.

BMI: 37.9

Body Description: Obese

Weight Percentile: >98th percentile

Body Measurements (roughly):

• Bust - 47.5"
• Waist - 41"
• Hips - 48"
• Thighs - 27.5"
• Biceps - 16"
• Calves - 18"

BMI - Body Mass Index

BMI Categories: Underweight <18.5, Normal weight 18.5-24.9, Overweight 25-29.9, Obese 30<
Weight Percentile - Weight compared to other Americans
Weight Percentile Categories: 15th percentile means you are close to average weight, 90th percentile means your weight is greater than 90% of others, and 20th percentile where 80% of others weigh more than you.
Body Measuring Techniques:

1. Bust: Wear a bra (like you normally would) and wrap the measuring tape around the largest part of your chest
2. Waist: Wrap around the smallest part of your midsection (above your belly button more than likely)
3. Hips: Wrap around the largest part of your midsection (below your belly button)
4. Thighs: Wrap around the widest part of each thigh
5. Biceps: Wrap around the midpoint between your shoulder and elbow
6. Calves: Wrap around the largest part of your calves (midway probably)

*Check out this link for more information! Sure, it's not an official source, but it definitely has some pretty great information on it!  http://www.halls.md/body-mass-index/bmirefs.htm



When my chest, and body, are actually
fit, this is going to be the first thing
I put on <3

     Even though I did this to myself, I still think it's weird to look at these statistics about my body. Now these are a shock to me too, because I had no idea that my boobs were that big! Honest to blog, if you have small boobs and you hate them, I hope you realize that a big chest has very few benefits. I have neck and back problems because of my boobs. I have acne on my back and chest because I have to wear a regular bra and a sports bra daily just to keep my chest looking normal. It's so embarrassing to say that, because I know it's entirely abnormal to wear more than one bra, but I have to! I have to because I hate running with big boobs, I can never find just one bra that fits the size of my chest, and all these other reason. How about I don't go into any more detail. My goodness, I hope no guys are reading this! Anyways, my chest is a huge problem for me, and I hope I lose a lot of my midsection weight especially. I have never liked my thighs either. I don't think I have ever, not even once in my life, wore shorts that came above my knees. When my legs get toned up, I have the perfect pair of jean shorts that I am saving for that magical day! It's really hard to look at all these statistics above about "normal Americans" and girls my age, because I know for a fact that I've never been normal: mentally or physically! I've been overweight all my life. I can't say at this moment what my exact goal is for my BMI and other measurements, because I don't know what they exactly mean yet.



Motivation for Fitness Challenge, and working out in
general (courtesy of Pinterest)!



     I can't wait until school starts, just because Fitness Challenge is going to be the greatest thing that has happened to me my whole life I believe. I have high expectations for this class, so I hope Herring can really preform this year. Overall, though, I have to realize that my weight loss and all of this is an all day every day routine. I can't just workout for an hour at school and then come home and repeat my old habits. My mom, my siblings, my friends, and even my cat (inside joke) are going to have to change our ways in order to improve mine and their physical and mental well being. Aww, this is going to be golden. I have sincere faith in my sophomore year. You watch me. 

Footsteps

     August 10th, 2012
     Today was an amazing day! I love when friends spontaneously ask you to hang out! Emiy and Justice txted me today, while I was in the middle of tanning, and asked if I wanted to hang out with them and maybe go get ice cream. Knowing me, I never try to turn down my friends. Especially when they invite me to do something! I constantly feel like I'm always the one who has to plan things, and I hate it. I end up spending all my money on them and usually get in trouble for something stupid. Anyways, we met up at the high school, and it was a little awkward at first! These two girls just looked so pretty, and I felt like I looked sloppy. I barely had any makeup on, my hair was wet because I just got out of the shower, and I was wearing my usual crappy clothes. Here they are, swaggin' it up with their neon shirts, cute makeup, and golden tans. Oh golly! I felt so self conscience! I would give anything to be that thin and tan, you have no idea.

To the girls out there who need a friend. To the girls
out there who just need a hug. There is someone out
there who is just as crazy and hardcore as you. It just
takes a miracle, or Facebook, to find them! :)

     Anyways, we went to Eat'n Ice Cream and totally had a blast in there! We took pictures together, Justice couldn't figure out how to open the door, and so much more! These chicks are seriously the funniest and most outgoing people you will ever meet. I don't think I've ever seen them with a frown on their face, and I'm dead serious!
     Later on, we walked over to Justice's house, which is surprisingly just a few blocks away from mine! We took lots more pictures, watched funny and scary videos on YouTube, talked a whole bunch, watched Justice as she straightened her hair (ahhahaa), and walked around her backyard. It's so crazy, because they definitely know how to make the best out of any situation! I just feel really good, knowing that I've made some really sweet friends this year. I needed this. I needed to make some friends outside my every day friend group! Ariana and Jasmyn were my besties in middle school, and I'll never forget them. They will remain in my heart for eternity. Alyssa, Tiana, Amy, Abby, Katie, Sam, and Felicia were definitely my rock when I completely switched friend groups in 7th grade. They all made me into the person that I am today. They made me realize my purpose, and why I wanted to be a better person. Over the year, Amanda, Capreece, Miyela, Gabby, Clarisa, Mireya, Haley, Jenna, Emily, Justice, Lexi, Hanna, and so many others lifted me up and made me feel great about the things I was doing. And just recently, Wendy and Shyan really confronted me and influenced me. I totally want to be like these girls when I grow up, fo sho. I need support. I can only motivate myself so much. I like high school because we all get the opportunity to go out of our shells a little bit and meet different people. It sets us up for the real world, that's for sure. It's always nice to have a lot of friends. That is definitely one thing my mom and I can agree on. In high school, she knew everybody and was friends with everybody. I want to be that girl. I want to be that person that is supportive and understanding and friendly towards every single person, regardless.

Emily, me, and Justice!

     Speaking of which, I also went out for a two mile walk tonight with my buddy Felicia! She is also a very supportive and motivating person that I am lucky to have in my life. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but in the end, I know for a fact that she is and always will be there for me. We had a really great time tonight, talking about everything from McWilly to school to swimming to friends! It's nice to just get out every once in awhile. She just showed up at my doorstep, asking if I wanted to go walking for a bit! I love spontaneous friends, like I said before! I really want to post something on here that she said to me over txt message after I came home from our walk. I was talking about how I was nervous to go to Water World tomorrow, for lots of reasons, but mostly because people pick on me all the time for the way I look. I told her that it seems like people always judge me before they get to know me. In Felicia's words, she said, "If only they knew what a wonderful girl they are missing out on... I know how it feels to be insecure like you..." It really means a lot to me to know that someone I deeply care about thinks so highly of me. I feel respected, loved, and appreciated. Later on, I told her about how much I look up to her because she is so strong, and sweet to everybody. In response to that, she said, "I try to be nice to everyone because everyone is fighting a battle no one knows about... I try to make their day better if it's possible... even if it's just getting a smile out of them." In some ways, Feesha is a lot like me. I can see it, in her values and her thoughts. I respect you girl. And I respect anyone with this kind of positive attitude.



Oh you fancy huh?

     I titled this entry, Footsteps, because it simply explains a lot of things in my life. To me, my footsteps can change the dynamic of things. And all together, our footsteps can make a chain reaction. We can move things with our footsteps. Our footsteps can be our core, the reason why we are the people that we are. Our footsteps can be our motivation, our motivation to keep on moving forward. Our footsteps can be our reminder, that all is good when you push yourself. Footsteps can either make or break a person or thing. With a steady beat and strong stride, our footsteps can revolutionize.

Chocolate Milk

     August 9th, 2012
     I had a really great night. Hands down, I live for moments like these. Sometime around 4pm, former senior Shyan txted me. She asked me if I wanted to go walking or swimming with her tonight. I felt bad, because last night she asked me to go out with her too, but I was busy with family things. It's not that I felt obligated to go walking with her, but I felt like if I didn't go out tonight I would totally regret an amazing opportunity. I met her at her house, which is literally just around the corner, at around 5:30. When she walked out of the house, I kinda felt insecure. I've always thought she was really pretty, so working out with her intimidated me honestly! I have a really bad habit of comparing myself to other girls, so I definitely felt a little down on myself.
     Anyways, we walked over to the track, nearly getting hit by some J.A. in a truck who wouldn't stop for us as we were in the middle of crossing the street. As we walked over there, she explained to me how she usually walks on the track. She starts on the first lane and moves out a lane after every lap. I thought that was pretty cool, considering that each lap gets longer and longer without you even really noticing! All through the walk, we sincerely talked about some pretty cool stuff. We talked about the jerks throughout the school, what Fitness Challenge is all about, relationships, and a whole bunch of other things. It was so cool! Shyan talked to me like we have known each other for years, like she could trust me with anything. I feel like I just truly know her so well now, and I feel like she definitely is getting an idea about me. Around her, there weren't any awkward, silent moments where neither of us knew what to say. She is so outgoing and so understanding. I definitely see a lot of me in her. She is just so relatable, and I know she doesn't judge me. She knows what it is like to be made fun of because of the way you look. She knows what it is like to feel hopeless. She knows what it is like to feel insecure. I know a lot of girls struggle with body image and all the negative things that come with high school, but she is someone really different that I can talk to. She is a couple years older than me, so she has seriously been through it all and seen it all. It's nice to talk to someone who has a different perspective, ya know? We relate so much. She is someone I want to grow up to be like. I'm just in awe right now. It just makes me feel good to know that I'm not alone, and that someone truly cares about me and my well being.
     I'm not going to lie: I'm actually tearing up right now just talking about tonight. I needed her to push me to come out walking with her. I need this, more than I actually realized. It just felt so good to just talk. To just talk about life. To just vent! As time went on, before we knew it, we had walked over three miles! Time seriously does fly when you're having fun.
     This year, I'm going to take the girls-only Fitness Challenge class at my high school. And I'm scared to death. Shyan told me that she knows girls that were legitimately scared to go out for this class! Overall, though, she says it that it definitely is going to change my life. When she was in the class, at the beginning of the semester everyone sets goals. Goals can be as simple as drinking more water to lowering your BMI from 30 to 20! At the end of the semester, all the girls shared their progress. It made her feel really good at the end of the semester when all the girls clapped for her because she made so much progress. I want to have that so bad. Sure, people are proud of me now, but I want another person to sincerely be proud of me for losing weight! I'd like for someone to be like, "Damn, this chick can work out. When she sets her mind to something, she can actually accomplish her goals. This chick is her own hero, and it's good to see that this class was able to changer her life." Yeah, I want that. Anyways, she said that weight lifting was also a big part of this class, which is pretty good news for me. I've always really liked to lift weights, even though it is such a challenge. Anyways, I titled this entry "Chocolate Milk" because it came up in our conversation about Fitness Challenge. She was telling me about how after she would normally workout she would want to go and just scarf down food. She tried to drink milk after a hard workout, to ensure her body has all the necessary nutrients. And the chocolate is just to make it taste yummy! This was my most favorite advice that anyone has ever given me! :)
     This is to the girls, or guys, out there who need a little motivation. Whether you need to get motivated to workout, eat better, or even to just do your homework, always remember that you are not alone. Remember that there is someone out there who is struggling just as much, if not more than you are. Even by just starting this blog, I have met so many amazing people who really needed my words of encouragement to boost there own self esteem. There are definitely people everywhere who are struggling with something. You never know: your next best friend could be just around the corner (literally!). In cases like these, you can never have too many friends. And you can never have too much support! Someone once told me a good friend is like a good bra; supportive, comfortable, and always closet to your heart! It is completely true! So if you or someone you know just needs a little motivation, please don't be afraid to be a friend or find a friend. And if you need a friend, you know where to find me! I could always use a buddy to go walking with. Having someone to exercise with, like I told Shyan, is always a lot more fun than exercising alone. Sometimes, it's hard to motivate yourself. I of all people should know that.
     Thanks for reading this hun. My blog is still as popular as ever, and yal are the reason why I spent a half an hour of my night to tell you about my day! If any of you ever need anything, please remember that I am here for you. And let me know if you want to go WALKING! :)
     In less than a week, we have registration at EHS. I'm looking forward to the new year in some ways, but I'm not ready for my summer of relaxation to be over. This will be a good year though, I'm sure of it!

You Go Alex!

     July 29th, 2012.
     This is one of the most recent videos I've watched on YouTube! I don't know this girl, and this is the only video I've seen by her, but I really do look up to her. When you watch her video, you can just tell that she is really trying to help out anyone who is watching this video and who is also struggling with their weight. She has lost 70+ pounds already, and I'm so proud of her. Please watch this, even if you just need a little motivation.

You go Alex!

Day 42 - Last Saturday Night

     July 23rd
     A day or two ago I had a complete meltdown. It sucks too, because I had such an amazing weekend with my two cousins. We went swimming three times during a 24-hour period! Anyways, I completely broke down when I was laying in bed Saturday night. Taylor hasn't talked to me in days, yet he has the time to text back my best friend. As much as I love and care about him, I seriously don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't ever want to talk to me! When we do talk, however, our relationship is unstoppable. Even though we never get to see each other, we still keep our relationship alive by talking on the phone and texting constantly. We talk about our future together, all of our likes and dislikes, what we did during the week, etc. I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I've spent on the phone with him. He really does make my life a whole lot better. Each and every time I get off the phone with him, I find myself smiling for hours. He makes me feel loved and truly wanted. Words can't even explain the feelings I get when he tells me that he loves me. No one has any idea how much I care about this guy, sincerely.

     The terrible thing about us dating is we do not ever see each other. He is also always busy with who knows what, and I find myself feeling like crap when we don't get to talk for a day or two. In the past, I've had guys completely ruin me. I don't want Taylor to just be another one of those guys. He means much more to me than most of the other guys ever did. It's so hard for me to even talk about Taylor right now; I'm just so emotionally drained. I constantly worry about him and I think about him almost all the time. When I see other couples holding hands, I wish that I could have that too. I don’t even necessarily want anything serious. I am only 15! I just want someone who I can talk to about all my problems, who will understand and believe in me, and who accepts me for me. I want someone who won’t judge me by my appearance, but on my take towards life. I need someone who I can just have a good time with. I don’t want my past to hold me back. It is weighing me down. Literally.
     With the shooting that went on in Aurora, I was still pretty devastated and upset. I don’t cope with death and loss very well, obviously. That was part of the reason why I was so upset Saturday night. Overall, I layed in bed and thought about how much I miss Taylor. I just want to be in his arms. I don’t have anyone in Eaton who loves me like he loves me. I seriously just layed in bed, listening to Taylor Swift, crying my heart out. I’m so lonely. Sure, I have amazing friends like Alyssa who I can talk to about anything, but she can’t make me feel wanted like a man can. Part of the reason why I depend on guys so much to take me happy is because I’ve never really had a guy there for me growing up. I have my papa and my step dad, but I never had the chance to see them every single day. Not having a dad who cares about me is such a big struggle. It affects everything. I looked up at the ceiling, that awful Saturday night, and felt like a failure. I can’t even be happy on my own. I constantly have to feel wanted to be happy. I wanted all the pain that night to end. I couldn’t stand not knowing what Taylor was doing or why he didn’t want to talk to me. I just wanted all my fears and insecurities to melt away. That Saturday night, past midnight, I layed there in bed, and just wanted to die.
     To be continued…

Day 39 - I'm Not Giving My 100!

     July 20th, 2012.
     It's crazy how the time can just slip away from me. Time flies when you're having fun, I guess? Yeah, it sounds clique, but it's actually true. Anyways, I've actually been having a pretty great summer. It makes me sad to think that we only have about a month left. I definitely don't regret how I spent my summer. I had a great time, but the fun is definitely not over yet! Maybe I'll get the opportunity to drive down to Widefield to see the guy I've been "dating" for awhile now. I hate long distance relationships. It sucks because I can't drive yet and I don't have any money. He's pretty much in the same boat that I am though. Speaking of Taylor, I'm actually working on a letter to him right now. There is still so much I want to tell him, and letters are just so personable! I really hope he likes it! I'm crossing my fingers. Anyways, I'm going off topic again! This school year, at this point, I legitimately I hope I do a whole lot better. I really want to attend every football and boys basketball game. I want to be fully committed to the yearbook, FCCLA, and the staff. I want to try new things, like go out for the swimming and diving team, apply for NHS, volunteer more, and maybe actually find a job. I get my license on March 8th, 2013! Mark your calendars everybody:  I drive like hell on wheels! I'm totally kidding... kind of.
     Earlier this evening my grandma explained to me what happened at midnight last night. She told me all about the shooting in Aurora, and it absolutely broke my heart. It can best be compared to what happened at Columbine High School so many years ago. They are both very different cases, but they still greatly impacted Colorado and all of the United States. Like I said on Facebook, it seems like Colorado only gets recognized when something bad happens in our state, which totally blows. I think it is just about time we make national headlines for something amazing! If only I knew of something amazing that happens in Colorado. I hate myself though, in the sense that I always feel like I'm going to be the next person at Eaton High School to pass away. Don't ask me why, but I constantly feel like I'm bound to die at a young age. Creepy, I know. What does that mean!?
     Basically, I'm staying up rather late just to post on this silly thing. My girl Kaitlyn posted on my Facebook a couple of days ago. Her and Cheyanne did a TBH, and to make a long story short, what Kaitlyn said really made me think. In a way, it broke my heart because it was so blankly honest, and overall true. This isn't entirely what was on the post, but this is what I'm talking about. "...Your advice that you give is always the best, but you just need to learn to follow it... Nothing can ever stop you from reaching your goals..." Now listen here: I've never truly been all that close to Kaitlyn. In fact, when I first met her, I honestly didn't like her! That was definitely before I got to know her though. We sincerely have talked about some pretty deep stuff in the past, and our friendship was definitely a two-way street. I really appreciate all her hugs and sweet smiles towards me. She is a kind person, and I do honestly wish we would have gotten closer before she moved. That's high school though, huh? You talk to people crazily over Facebook but you never really get to know them offline. It sucks that we never hung out or anything. In the end though, we probably have more similarities than differences, but she is just one of those type of people that everyone wants to be around. As much as I like her, I don't think she thinks I'm all that cool though! People and their kind words, like hers, really do help me push myself forward. Thanks Kaitlyn, and to all the many people who use their powerful words to influence me. Words can't explain my empathy.
     I do appreciate how honest she was towards me. It actually made me cry when I realized what she meant in her post. It was an aware, yet disappointed kind of crying though. I'm fully aware now how multiple people probably see me. Yal probably read my posts and think, "Oh hot damn, this girl has quite a head on her shoulders." When you see me in person though, many people probably think, "My goodness. This girl doesn't come off as a strong and put together kind of person. She appears weak and is definitely unapproachable." Now I obviously can't read yours or anyone else's mind, but if I was in your shoes, I would definitely say or think this. Sometimes, my honesty just kills me.
     I'd like to say that I just can't lose this weight. I'd like to say that I want to give up, on myself and on my success. That isn't me though. This isn't me. I'm honest-to-blog not giving my 100%. You would know if I was giving my full 100! You guys just have no idea how difficult it is for me to get out of bed every morning, put on my XL T-shirt, my baggy boy shorts, and look into the mirror at myself. I don't see me. I don't see the person I want to be, or even the person that I am. When I don't look into my reflection, I feel like a pretty normal, thin person. I feel like I fit in. As soon as I look into that mirror though, reality slaps me across the face. And it definitely hurts at first. It warns me that if I don't quit my bad habits I could end up dead, physically and emotionally. I have my moments when I do feel dead. I feel numb actually. It is as if I'm here, but I'm not "here". It's like when your teachers will ask the class a question, or say something, and you all hear her but you don't respond. And she ends up questioning if you're awake or not. You know?
     I'm sure you know by now, but I don't think you can even imagine how hard it is for me to become motivated and stick to it. It must not make sense to you because it definitely doesn't make sense to me. I love to workout. I love that feeling I get after I've worked my a** off at something and I'm completely sore because of it. I love to eat healthy too. I prefer fruits and vegetables to any damn chocolate bar. But mentally I am totally opposite to those things. I chose not to go walking like I used to. I chose to eat those stupid pizza rolls, even when there is other alternatives sitting in our refrigerator. If you can explain this concept to me, I'd gladly like to listen and somehow try to understand. I'm either brain damaged, or damned.
     I apologize if I have bad grammar or if some of my sentences are jacked up. I'm too exhausted to proofread tonight. It's past 1am here in Colorful Colorado.
     If you're reading this, please let me know. I don't even know who is still following and keeping up with my rare blog posts. If you're reading this, please txt me or message me on Facebook or post on my wall or comment on this post or email me or something! I honestly would love to hear from you, and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Most of yal know my contact information, but if you don't know it, check my Facebook profile. I hope you guys are having a great summer. I love you. Goodnight, and thank you for reading this hun. I'm going to try and post a lot more often. I need to get a lot off of my chest. Literally. BAHAHAHA!

Personal email: powelljehna@gmail.com
Blog email: imlosing2gain@gmail.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/jehna.powell
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/jehnahope/

Day 29 - I'm Better, But I'm Not Good

     Today is July 10th, 2012. It's been like a month since I created this three-phase challenge for myself. I've had an absolutely devastating past two weeks. Words can't even put my experience into perspective. On the bright side, I finally got my depression/anxiety medication filled with the dose increased by about 10mg. I'm pretty sure my body just got used to the other medication, and I felt like crap because I wasn't getting the things I needed. We just got it today, I still haven't taken the pill for today, but I am excited to see how things turn out. This weekend is Eaton Days, where I get to spend the entire weekend with my best friend Jasmyn. It's going to be nice to see all my friends from school. Hopefully they will all be just as excited to see me!
     I don't think I'm to the extreme of being bipolar, but I definitely think I have insane mood changes. I feel better today than I did yesterday. It has a lot to do with the fact that I am just a girl and we have crazy moody times, so I definitely think that is a part of why I've been so bad especially the last week or so. Anyways, I'm on a little adrenalin high right now, and I thought it would be really nice to post again.
     I can't even believe how many views I have on this blog daily. Even when I wasn't posting, I still had people constantly checking up on me. I know I don't show it all the time, but I am a very thankful person, and no matter who you are or how close we are, I do appreciate you reading my blog posts. I hope I motivate you and I hope you someday too can find the courage to change your life.
     Because the last two weeks have been so bad, I've been thinking a lot about this blog. I've been thinking that I hope I didn't let anyone down by not posting for so long, and I hope that you understand. I want to impress you guys with my words and my actions, but most importantly, I want to impress myself by following through with what I say!
     Follow me on Pinterest http://pinterest.com/jehnahope. I have a couple very interesting boards that tie into this blog rather well. And don't forget to text me or message me anytime! I love you guys so much. Thanks again, from the bottom of my butt. I would say my heart, but my butt is bigger! ;)

Day 28 - I'm Miserable

     Wow. This is definitely the longest amount of time I have gone without updating my blog or my journal. I recently have gone off of my depression medication, and to put it all in perspective, I'm just absolutely a wreck. I cry all the time, over the littlest reasons. I can't focus on a single task. I am unable to sleep regularly. I constantly feel like I am going to pass out or throw up. Everything I eat, whether it is big, small, good for me, or bad for me, I feel sick after everything I eat. I'm tired all the time. I'm so lonely and so mentally exhausted. I haven't worked out in awhile, and I'm definitely paying the price. I'd love to talk to more, and vent more. Keep checking up with me. I really need all the help and encouragement I can get right now.

Day 10 -

     Today I woke up rather late. I planned on getting up earlier, but I definitely need my 8+ hours of sleep to function normally. Anyways, I woke up and the back of my thighs were really sore from yesterday's workout. To me, that is the best news! I am going to now get dressed and get ready to go out walking. I'm not exactly sure what the weather is like outside, but I definitely need to walk today. This weekend I will be at my step dad's house so I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to workout. I'll keep on updating this post until I leave for my step dad's tonight! Stay tuned.
     Again, thank you for the 1,400+ profile views. I had no idea that I could do this!
     It's around 4 o'clock here in Eaton, CO. Today for my workout, I walked 1 mile, did 5 sets of 10 lunge jumps, killer tens, 5 sets of 1 min./each Michael Phelps and 3 sets of 1 min./each Superman. These don't seem like a lot, but it's better than nothing! I definitely had to stretch after today because my legs especially were very tight. I'm pretty happy right now, probably just because I worked really hard today and I did good! Also, I took a shower and at a chicken wrap. Life is good.
     To be continued...

Day 9 - Mix It Up!

      Thought of the Day: Friends "June 20th: Good friends can talk together; great friends can dream together."
     I tried a few different workouts, and I'd just like to say that they were definitely a bit of a challenge! I did these jump lunges, and they seriously were very hard for me to do actually. I found this awesome idea on Pinterest where you write down different workouts on a Popsicles stick and then put it in a cup. Everyday you chose workouts randomly. I thought it was an awesome idea, so I am trying it out! I have about 38+ sticks in their, so lets see how this goes!
     I am kind of bummed out tonight actually. My cousin has an ear infection or something so we are unable to go to Eliches tomorrow. I guess everything happens for a reason?
     Tomorrow I am going to try and really do good in my workout. I haven't been slacking off, I just need to get back into a routine. I'm a horrid mess when I don't run on a schedule actually.
     This weekend I get to spend time with my beloved Jasmyn! I am so excited for this Friday night. It has definitely been too long.

Day 8 - Too Hot for June

     Thought of the Day: Friends "June 19th: No better relation than a prudent and faithful Friend." -Benjamin Franklin
     Man, it's not even summer yet, and it's already been in the 90's! If you know me at all, you would know that I do not do well when I am hot. When I overheat, I get in an awful mood, and I actually get sick. Since Monday, I've pretty much been a wreck, I'm not going to lie. I haven't been sleeping well at all, and when I don't get my sleep it completely alters my mood for the whole day.
     On the flip side, I did workout today. I ended up going to my grandma's house to workout since it was so incredibly hot out today. I walked/jogged a mile on the treadmill, and I also did 50 sit-ups and crunches. All I have to remember is tomorrow is a new day!

Day 7 - My Day Off?

     Thought of the Day: Friends "June 18th: Working out problems with a friend is a lot like working in the garden... it's hard work, but the result is beautiful."
     I have to be completely honest: I didn't work out at all today! It was over 100 degrees today, and it was even around 80+ degrees at 8am! I just felt like it was too hot to workout outside and too hot to even workout in my 80-90 houses. I feel bad, but Tuesday will be a lot better. I just need to stay positive I guess.

Long Weekend: Late Posts!

Day 4 - June 15^th
     Thought of the Day: Friends "I have a friend, who sees in me what none beside can see." -Phoebe Cary

     My cousins, my aunt, my brother, and I all went to Eliches all day yesterday. We plan on going again next Thursday, and I’m again so excited for that! It surprisingly wasn’t very busy for a Friday, and we all had a very good time. Adam and I rode the Slingshot for the second time, and it was even better than I remember. I also went with Kyle on his first-ever upside-down roller coaster! At first, he looked so extremely scared, but once it started going, he was so excited! I wish I could have video taped his reaction. What a cutie!

     I didn’t necessarily stick to my nutrition plan. We were at Eliches all day, so my normal eating habits were a little wack. Luckily, I just controlled the amount of food I ate. Even if you can’t eat all the good foods you want to eat because of some family event, you are at a party with friends, or you are out of town, just remember to eat less than what you should of the foods you are eating. Like a lot of the women in foreign countries who have a nice figure, they still eat all the foods they like, but they just eat a lot less of it.

     I definitely think I walked a few miles yesterday! Adam, Kyle, Ronnie, and I climbed the stairs to the Sidewinder about six times, so that was definitely a nice, little workout! We also walked all around the park a few times. I was sore when we got home, so that must mean something good!

     I loved the way I was able to embrace yesterday. Ya know, even though I was unable to workout legitimately yesterday and eat all my usual healthy stuff, I still did a pretty darn good job of staying true to what I wanted to accomplish. I also had a very great day, which is probably what really matters most.

Day 5 - June 16^th
     Thought of the Day: Friends "June 16th: Friends provide the anidote that cures whatever ails us."

     Luckily, I was able to sleep in until 11 today! It felt really good to wake up to the smell of eggs and hash browns that my step dad Craig was making for Ronnie and I. After I got all ready, I left at about noon and went to my dad’s house. We visited my Grandma Moore’s house for a little, got a few things from Home Depot, and then went back to his house. Supposedly, in April or something, they sold their house and moved into their old rental. I was so surprised when we pulled up to the house because I had no idea that he moved of course. The kids and I played on their swing set, hung out in their backyard tent, played dolls upstairs in their toy room, and then went for a bike ride. My butt hurts so badly because we rode about a mile. Overall, that was my only really good workout for the day. At least in worked out a whole different part of my body! My legs feel real good too.

     As far as food goes, I definitely didn’t stick to my health plan. I did have a good salad though!

     It’s incredibly depressing for me when I get to see my now five brothers and sisters on my dad’s side of the family. If it was up to me, I would be with them all day and every day. I absolutely adore them and love them in every way possible. Avery, 8, is such a little me. According to Avery, we look the same, have the same dad, favorite number, and favorite colors, like to do the same activities, and so much more. It warms my heart to be around her because I know she truly does look up to me. Any chance she gets she is always giving me a hug, and she is always looking up and smiling at me. You can definitely tell we are sisters. Tanner, 7, reminds me so much of my other brother Ronnie when he was that age. They both love tractors and trucks, and hanging out with their dads. They also have big egos, which is not necessarily a bad thing in their case. They like to be in control and they define their older sister as a bossy butt. Tanner is so adorable, and I didn’t notice this until now, but we have almost the same teeth! Abby, 6, is the cutest little girl I have ever met. She is constantly smiling and laughing. She told me that her favorite thing to do is ride her bike and feel the wind blowing her hair. How cool is that? If you were to ask any other kid what their favorite thing to do would be they would probably say playing games on their iPods. I find that ridiculous, but Abby is just so genuine.

Day 6 - June 17^th
     Thought of the Day: Friends "You can count on your girl friends for everything - from an emergency safety pin to a middle-of-the-night pep talk."

     In honor of Father’s Day, the Buderus family and I all left the house around 10 and went to Johnson’s Corner for brunch. I had the most amazing breakfast burrito, along with dad, Cris, Ronnie, and Grandma. We then came back to Grandma’s house to basically just spend time together at their house. I’m kind of bummed out that my Uncle Corey and Aunt Lois are not here, but there’s not much I can do about the situation.

Day 3 - Not My Best, But Not My Worse

     Thought of the Day: Friends "June 14th: Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends." -Marry Catherwood
     I didn't have a bad day, but I didn't have a completely good day either. I walked about 2.2 miles around 2:30, and I took about a minute off of each mile! I'm pretty proud of myself for increasing my pace. It felt like it was about 90 degrees out and you should have seen how disgusting I looked! :) I also did some ab work outs and I actually remembered to stretch a little! My knee is still extremely sore because I haven't been remembering to stretch.
     I'm really glad I went walking around that time though. I saw Hailee and Jennie, and Kenzie and Paige on their bikes. Their smiles really did brighten my day, and I felt like I stood a lot taller after they smiled and said hi to me! I was planning on just walking a little over two miles in the afternoon, and then I was going to walk two more later in the evening when the temperature cooled down, but there was a change in plans. I am currently at my uncle's house and I'm going to go to Eliches with them tomorrow. I also won't be able to walk tomorrow, but I will try and find time to workout maybe later in the evening!
     Even though I didn't work out as much as I planned, I'm definitely not going to beat myself up about this. I stuck to my nutrition plan and I feel pretty darn good. This weekend is going to be a bit of a struggle because I'm going to be at my uncle's house, my step dad's, and my dad's house. Instead of sticking to my usual food, I'm just going to focus on portion controls this weekend. Since it is Father's Day weekend, there is going to be a lot of yummy things out there!
     If you haven't already, follow me on Pinterest! I recently made an account and you will really be surprised by some of the stuff I post. This post isn't too long, but it's definitely to the point. I promise I will try and post tomorrow night when I get home from Denver. Keep checking back for more updates! Stay beautiful, as my friend Brooke always says!

This is a picture of me, my brother Brady, and my friend Felicia at the lake. This picture absolutely breaks my heart. I really didn't even want to post it because I'm so embarrassed of how I look. It's crazy though, because I personally don't realize how big I look. I know I'm way overweight, but it's hard for me to really think of myself as such a big person. In my mind, I'm a skinny, beautiful person. On the outside, obviously, I'm nothing but a disappointment.