Four More Weeks

     November 25th, 2012.
     8:58pm

     I've had enough. I literally cannot take this any longer. I'm tired of looking and feeling this way. I'm done looking into the mirrors and not seeing what I want to see. I have stretch marks everywhere on my body. I have acne all over my upper body. My entire body is gross and fat. I hate looking at myself, and I can't even imagine how others must feel. I can't live like this any longer.

     For the first semester this year, I told myself that I would just "try out" Fitness Challenge. I didn't commit to working as hard as I could every day. I didn't commit to eating right all the time. I didn't even change my eating habits all that much. I have not worked my hardest to look and feel great, and it's tearing me apart.

     There is no way I can continue in my old ways. For the first time in a long time, I literally didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to give up. I wanted to just crawl back under the covers and close my eyes to ease all of the pain that I am not willing to fix. I can't give up though. Things can get better if I seriously set my mind to it.

     Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new beginning for me, where I've come so far already, but I'm now I'm finally willing to give it all I've got.

     Starting tomorrow:

1.       Nutrition

• Considering the fact that I eat whatever I see, I'm now only going to eat whole foods. We've learned about these in Nutrition and Wellness, and also in Fitness Challenge.
• I am only allowed to eat anything processed on the weekends (in moderation).
• As far as what I drink, I tend to drink a lot of my calories. This should be the case for everyone, but I'm going to drink at least half of my body weight in ounces of water every single day. I am in Fitness Challenge and swimming, so it'll really help with those. It should also help my skin clarity.
• I need to actually eat breakfast every single day, and eat or drink something full of protein after working out. I should be eating 3-5 times per day (for me it will be before school around 7am, during Enrichment/Advising which is around 9:30am, at lunch around 11:30am, after school and before swim practice around 3pm, and at dinner time which is normally around 6pm.
• Also, I really struggle with limiting myself to what I eat after dinner. I usually snack at night, so I'm going to make sure I don't eat after 7pm (unless it's something small and a whole food).
• Personally, I know this doesn't help many people because they find it to be tedious, but it helps me if I write down everything I've eaten for that day. I just need to remember to keep a journal with me at all times!

2.       Fitness

• People may think I'm being a little insane, but I need to workout even more if I want better results. On Mondays I workout a total of about three hours, on Tuesdays and Thursdays for about four hours, on Wednesdays and Fridays for about two and a half hours, and on the weekends it varies (about an hour generally). I need to do a little in the mornings, after dinner, and definitely on the weekends.
• During the times when I do get the opportunity to workout, I need to give it all I've got. I've been just going easy during my workouts and I need to do my best as much as I can. I definitely think I give myself a little too much slack, because I know I am capable of working out really hard.

3.       School

• It's already 10:30, as I've been trying to type on and off for a few hours now. But I'm going to stay up as late as I need to in order to finish as much homework as I can for tomorrow. I literally had no time over break to do any of my homework, so I need to make sure I commit to doing it tonight.
• These next four weeks (until the end of the semester and until break) I'm going to work my butt off by turning in my work on time, turning in any eligible missing work, studying as much as possible, and by totally rocking finals!
• I need to talk to my teachers about my grades, because they've never been this bad. A lot of them aren't willing to work with me, but I know many of them will try and help me out. I know my counselors at school and my friends and swim coach will always help me out though.

4.       Personal Care

• I always forget about this one. I just need to take care of my body on the outside, by actually using Proactive on my skin (which really works for me if I actually use it - it'll probably work for you too if you have oily skin like me!). Also, I'm not going to cake on unnecessary makeup, because I hate wearing it in the first place. I can't dress the way I want to until my family gets more stable with money  and until I get the body I know I deserve, but I'm going to rock my sweats and tshirts!

This is really random, but I thought I'd answer this. I kind of refuse to answer some of these because they are so incredibly personal, but I saw this on my friend's Facebook and I thought it'd be worth a shot! I'm bored, don't judge haha. I've also deleted some and renumbered many because they were so incredibly inappropriate for the circumstances.

1. Ever cheated on someone? How many times?: I never have cheated on anybody and I never plan to. When someone cheats on you, it's the worst feeling in the world. I don't think anybody deserves that, and if anybody has cheated on me, I definitely ended the relationship as soon as possible. It's so disrespectful and it's one of those things that I just don't tolerate.
2. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Or if you are a virgin, what age do you think you’ll lose it at?: 3. Are you “in love” with somebody? I'm not "in love" but I definitely love and care for so many people. Ryan D. and Alyssa are just two of the many!

5. Have you ever done anything sexual on your parents bed?:
6. Ever been “the other person” in an affair?: 7. How many people do you have a crush on right now?: Not many actually. It's kind of the least of my worries at the moment, for some reason.

9. Ever had a one night stand?:
10. Ever gotten drunk and couldn’t remember the night?:

11. Ever been sexually harassed and/or assaulted?:

12. Ever had a crush on your neighbor?: My neighbors have all either been really old people or people with their own families. I've never had neighbors that were around my own age (it's all the same for my mom's house, my father's house, and my dad's house).
13. Ever snuck out of the house?:
14. How many illegal drugs have you tried?
15. Do you do any drug regularly?:
16. If you’re underage, do you still drink and/or smoke cigarettes?: 18. Ever attempted suicide?: I've never attempted it.

19. Ever been to therapy? What for?: Yes, I went for the first time when I was 12 and I had a bad experience. I just started going again this past year and I really love my new counselor/therapist (or whatever you want to call her). I'm going for depression/anxiety, and for a lot of other things.
20. Have you ever been so upset that you stopped eating?: Yes
21. Are you clinically depressed? Are you taking anything for it?: Yes I am and I am taking some medicine that starts with a C, but I haven't been taking them lately and I'm not really sure why.

23. How old were you when you first got kissed?: Haha... (no comment)
24. Is there any “friend” of yours that you secretly hate but talk to anyway?: I don't hate really anybody, but I have strongly disliked people that I just put up with.
25. Ever been in a relationship and wanted to end it, but stuck with it for some reason?: Yes, I didn't have the heart to end it with him, but we are not together anymore. I finally got up the courage though.
26. Ever sent naked pictures to someone?:
27. What about sent them to someone you met over the Internet?:
28. Ever been abused?: 29. Did you ever run away? How long were you gone for and what happened?: No I haven't. I honestly don't know where I'd go.
30. Do you ever lie to yourself about things so much that you believe it?: Yeah I try to convince myself of things all the time but that doesn't last long. I'm too smart for my own well-being!

31. Have you ever liked someone when you were dating someone else?: Oh yeah, but I don't think it's fair for anybody, so I try to stop myself before anybody gets hurt.
32. Ever dated a friend’s ex?: No, I definitely don't roll that way.

33. Ever done something with your friend’s significant other?:
34. Did anyone ever confide in you about being gay/lesbian?:
36. Do you know of someone who has done a horrible crime but never got caught?

37. Ever stole a large sum of money?: Nope
38. Ever purposely threw up?: Yeah

39. Ever had an eating disorder? What happened?: I've had a few "eating disorders" for awhile I guess you could stay. For about a year I went through a phase where I wouldn't eat anything. For about 6 months I would binge eat, and I currently would consider what I have to be an eating disorder (where I overeat).

40. Did you or anyone you know have an abortion?:
41. Were you or any of your siblings in an accident?: 41. What’s your #1 biggest fear?: Failing
43. Have you ever faced that fear? What happened?: I'm currently failing. I'm failing in more ways then one you could say. I'm failing in school, I'm failing at taking care of myself, I'm failing as a daughter, and I'm failing as a friend. Progression is key, though, and I'm working on it.

#Haileigh

     Goodnight everybody. I hope you read this and take the time to really focus on the words I said. I'd like to hear your feedback also! Message me on Facebook or something and let me know what else I should post about, or just what you think. I love getting feedback. Have a nice night guys, and thanks again for reading this.

     I hope you can relate to some of the things I say. You better take this all into consideration too. I hope for the next four weeks, whether you're a student or a parent or teacher or whatever, you rock it until Christmas, where you are able to relax and spend time with the ones you love. Your hard work will pay off! Good luck tomorrow, on the first Monday back from a long Thanksgiving break.

Tuesday

     November 14th, 2012.
     9:54pm
     The fact that I am still up after a day like this truly does amaze me. Yesterday, I literally worked out for a total of about three and a half hours. Fitness Challenge and swim practice totally kicked my butt, and I ended up eating my dinner with Alyssa and then going straight to bed. 12 hours of sleep last night wasn't even enough to make me feel energized for the day. Today I had Accounting I, College Algebra, Yearbook, and College Prep. Biology. Lets just say that I don't fancy my Red days, but luckily, I didn't fall asleep in any of my classes. I had swimming today from 3:30-5:30, and it was actually a pretty decent practice. All of us girls weight lifted with the wrestling boys for about a half an hour, which seemed to really make the swimming portion of practice go by quickly. I don't even know what stroke we worked on, that's how much I don't get swimming, but I'm guessing we were doing butterfly (because I struggled with the chicken, airplane, solider kicks), freestyle, and backstroke.
     It was definitely a better day for me than it was yesterday. I broke down crying twice during practice yesterday because I felt so out of it and so freaking overwhelmed. I honestly just need to rant about my swimming experience from yesterday, because I definitely don't think there is any way I'll be able to get over it. Anyways, I absolutely hate changing in front of other people. I don't change in front of strangers, friends, family, or anybody for that matter. I don't like my body with clothes, and I sure as heck don't like it without them. If I can't stand to look at myself, then I don't expect others to either. Every practice I exclude myself from the other girls just to go and change in the separate stall because I'm that self-conscious. It's not that I don't trust the other girls or anything, it's just that is how I am. I don't want to say that "it's just who I am and who I always will be", because I hope one day I'll be comfortable around others. Today may not be the day, but one day... Anyways, Katie, Felicia, and I all walked into the pool area with all the other girls. Immediately I felt totally judged. I don't know if I was just being paranoid or if girls were actually hating, but there were a few girls who religiously gave me elevator eyes. When someone judges me like, I don't even know how to respond to it all.
     To be continued...

Monday

     November 12th, 2012
     8:29pm
     It has definitely just been one of those days. It has been one of those days where I hate everybody and everything. I must forewarn you that I'm in this type of mood for a reason, and if you don't want to sit there and listen to me explain what truly bothers me, then go on reading some other blog about a bunch of BS. I'm going to be straight up in this post, but I'm trying to restrict myself from using cruel language. Although I'd like to just throw the F-bomb around here and there, I definitely am trying to maintain an image with this blog. Also, it's just not the time or place for me to go all gangster on this bus-iness (wow, I literally just said that out loud in the whitest way possible)!
     Anyways, today has been weird. I actually finished all my 'home'work at school today, and turned it all in on time. Since I honestly can't seem to narrow down my day, I'm just going to start from the beginning. If you haven't noticed, when I haven't posted in a long time, my coming back post is always uber long and tedious. I guess that's just how I roll...
     When I woke up this morning, I took a really quick shower just to wash off my spray tan stuff from last night. If you saw what happen to me at the end of 8th grade year after I did my first spray tan, you probably just laughed all over yourself at that. No, but in all seriousness, I know how to actually put it on now. I'm really trying to look okay for swimming, so I definitely think that this will help me feel better about myself. Anyways, I got ready like normal today, and walked the few doors down to school. Starting off, I was already in one of those blah moods. Part of it could be just because it was a Monday, but also because of the weather. As fun as it is to dress up in big sweatshirts and fuzzy boots, I'd much rather be out playing in the ocean, soaking up the warm sun. Winter is fun for me, for about a week. It's so annoying when the pretty, fluffy snow turns into slushy, dirty grime on the streets. I hate the look of that. Colorado is crazy, though. It literally blizzarded on us at the football game on Saturday, and a few days from now we could be back in the 40-50 degree weather. Oh, Colorado.
     My first class of the day was Accounting: talk about a bummer. It's not that I don't like the class, it's just that I don't care! It sounds a little harsh, but honestly, it's not one of those things I'm really worried about getting really into. Sure, I'm going to need to know how to balance a check book someday or manage my bank account other ways, but this class is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. My most favorite part about it is getting to spend time with my buddy Mireya. We've gotten really close this year, and I'm so happy she moved back. Cross my fingers, but I hope we still keep in touch after she moves. Anywho, we always have a lot of fun in that class adding "yo mama" after every other sentence. We can easily talk to each other about our stupid boy drama and everything else that goes on throughout our lives. She's a really good and trustworthy person, and I wish more people could see that.
     Right after Accounting I had Fitness Challenge. This is one of my most favorite classes of the day, not only because I get to spend even more time with Mireya, but because I get to workout and totally feel okay about it. In Fitness Challenge, it's an all-girl class, and I absolutely adore that idea. I love it because I genuinly think girls are more understanding and helpful than guys as far as fitness and personal health. Whenever I work out with guys, I always feel judged because I can't lift as much as them or train as hard at times. Whenever I'm around the girls, we all generally lift the same and struggle with similar things. I never feel alone in that class, as I'm surrounded by the most amazing group of girls. Mary has helped me through so much this year, she honestly deserves an award herself. Whenever I'd be finishing up the mile, she'd come and finish it out with me. She cheered me on while I was benching real heavy at the beginning of the year, when I was struggling in our gym workouts, and on so many other occasions. It's so good to know that I have other people who believe in me. Wendy is also such a loving and beautiful person inside and out. I have her in Yearbook with me too, so I feel like we've really gotten to know each other this year. When she can she always lends me a hand or encourages me with her kind words. These girls will never, ever know how much it all means to me. Sure, I'm posting about it all, but words don't even describe these things. Other then these girls, I can name so many others who have helped me in one way or another. I wish I could personally thank every single person ever who has made an impact on my life.
     It's 11:24 now. No, it did not take me three hours to type this. It literally took me like 10 minutes and I've just bee jacking around. I'm going to definitely post tomorrow, because I need to include something big about swimming. Have a good night. I hope I still have a reader or two!