March 18th, 2014
Type 2 diabetes is a scary "disease" that many overweight/obese individuals can experience as a result of their body not properly using food as fuel. I do not know all there is to know about it, but I can tell you right now that it is not fun.
I have not posted on this blog since I believe April, and I sure have missed it. So much has happened in the past year that it is impossible to decide where to start! Fortunately, I was inspired to start writing again after a former teacher of mine confronted me one day while I was working in the computer lab at school. On February 20th, which was also my birthday, I was working on a paper when one of the tech. guys at my school began talking to me. He was my teacher years ago in elementary school and I used to call him "Mr. Dew," but don't ask me why! Anyways, he was working on putting a projector up in the lab and was just having friendly small talk with me. To my surprise, he admitted that he found my blog and he has read some of my posts. Now I know that some people seem to glance at some of my posts just to see what I am up to, but I was absolutely blown away that a teacher of mine managed to find my blog and support what I was doing. I was humbled by the whole thing, because I'm really not used to people coming up in person to discuss my blog with me. He encouraged me to keep on doing what I'm doing and to post more often! It warmed my heart to know that someone I genuinly care about their opinon would be reading and following my story. After he left the room, I took a second to absorb what just occured. I sat in front of the computer screen and smiled ear to ear. My eyes stung a little as they started to fill with tears. I was so honored that this man was actually praising me for my work. I can't even find the precise words to describe how I felt at that exact moment, but what I did know was that I needed to begin writing again.
Ever since I was "diagnosed" with pre-diabetes around this time last year, I haven't been as well as I could be.
I am the reason why I am overweight. No one made me do it. I did this to myself. I am the reason why I will be healthy and fit one day. No one can do it for me. I will do it because I know I can.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Monday, April 15, 2013
I Don't Know If I'll Ever Understand
I can't believe I haven't posted on this since the end of November. It's crazy to think about how much has changed over the past couple of months, and to think about how much I could've said in that time. There were so many times I wanted to post, but I just couldn't find enough motivation to do so. I love this blog, and I'm so happy I created it. It has helped me tremendously, despite the fact that I can't see anything but the negative in my life at this very moment.
Last night and tonight have probably been the toughest 24 hours I've had in a long time. Sure, I've struggled daily with different things, but nothing can quite compare to the way I've been feeling lately. Last night, I was helpless. I was scared. I was questioning everything, from my intentions to my purpose overall. I can't truly put last night into words, other than I was terrified. I never wanted to feel that way again.
I do not wish what I am going through on my worse enemy. I do not hope that anyone out there has to go through the mental pain and suffering I've put myself through all these years. At this very moment, I can't blame a single person. I can't look down on my dad for continually confusing me, the friends who have come and gone, my past relationships, or anybody. I can't blame a single person, but myself. I am my own worse enemy. I am my own worse critic. I am the core to my suffering and the reason why so many things are the way they are.
Lately, I haven't wanted to tell anyone about my problems. My best friend doesn't really understand what's going on with me. My mom tried to ask me why I was balling last night, but I didn't have an answer for her. My counselors have looked at me and asked me to talk to them, but I've been very brief. I believe that I feel guilty. I feel guilty for costing my family so much money, paying for my counseling, medications, constant doctors visits for numerous reasons, money spent on diets I could never push myself to endure, and all the countless, valuable hours I've wasted of theirs. I see myself as burden. In many ways, I do believe I have helped others. I've helped my friend BB work on her depression. I've helped several other students at my school with their issues. I've even helped some complete strangers. Does that all really matter though? At the end of the day, is it all worth it? Are your accomplishments enough to measure your purpose here? No. I do not believe I have earned happiness in my life, and that is precisely why I am down on myself all the time.
On Sunday, I layed in my bed thinking terrible thoughts. I do not wish to repeat them, as I know where it will go from there. I can tell you this though; my mind goes crazy sometimes. Sometimes, I think up the wildest things that scare the living daylight out of me. It worries me that my thoughts could turn into actions. Last night, I layed n the bathroom floor and sobbed until it hurt. I slept maybe a few hours last night. I know I'm especially in a lot of pain, when sleeping doesn't even numb the ache.
Tonight, I watched the news frantically as I heard updates about the Boston Marathon bombing earlier this evening. I'm not going to lie; I cried as I watched the pictures being displayed across the television screen of the faces of the victims and the dismembered bodies of the wounded. It's a scary world out there, and each day my eyes are opened a little wider to it.
Just a little bit ago, I confided in a guy about what has been going on with me. He seems like the perfect guy for me. We have everything in common, from the things we like to do to the way we hope to spend the rest of our lives. I figured I could trust him, as he has gave me no reason not to. I told him what was on my mind last night. At first, he apologized for not talking to me last night because "I needed him". Soon, he became worried that something like that could happen again. He told me what I was thinking and feeling was not a good thing, as if I didn't already know. He said he didn't know what he would do if something happened to me. Then, he said having someone like me in his life was not exactly something he wanted. He said he didn't think it would be "good for him for this to happen again, especially if we became closer". He said we can't ever be more than just friends. He said what we have is not healthy. Basically, he has given up on me. He wanted me to trust him and to confide in him, and then the second I do he rips the ground right out from under me and decides he wants to give up. Like every person in my life, from my first love to my father to my best friend of about eight years, they all have given up. Events like this smack me into reality that I have huge problems that other people don't want to deal with. It hurts to know that I have been putting others before myself for so long, and that as soon as I reach my hand out for a little help, I get rejected. Why would someone ask you to tell them what's going on, if they were just going to turn you away in the end? Is it out of fear, selfishness, or do they just not want to understand?
I don't know where I stand from here. I just had to make a point to write down exactly how I am feeling. In the end, I want someone to not give up on me. I want someone, anyone, to look me in the eye, tell me I'm worth it, and promise never to let me go. I want to be a priority, not someone to avoid. I know we all have problems, some of us more than others, but what makes it okay to turn away others? I don't understand. I don't know if I'll ever understand.
Last night and tonight have probably been the toughest 24 hours I've had in a long time. Sure, I've struggled daily with different things, but nothing can quite compare to the way I've been feeling lately. Last night, I was helpless. I was scared. I was questioning everything, from my intentions to my purpose overall. I can't truly put last night into words, other than I was terrified. I never wanted to feel that way again.
I do not wish what I am going through on my worse enemy. I do not hope that anyone out there has to go through the mental pain and suffering I've put myself through all these years. At this very moment, I can't blame a single person. I can't look down on my dad for continually confusing me, the friends who have come and gone, my past relationships, or anybody. I can't blame a single person, but myself. I am my own worse enemy. I am my own worse critic. I am the core to my suffering and the reason why so many things are the way they are.
Lately, I haven't wanted to tell anyone about my problems. My best friend doesn't really understand what's going on with me. My mom tried to ask me why I was balling last night, but I didn't have an answer for her. My counselors have looked at me and asked me to talk to them, but I've been very brief. I believe that I feel guilty. I feel guilty for costing my family so much money, paying for my counseling, medications, constant doctors visits for numerous reasons, money spent on diets I could never push myself to endure, and all the countless, valuable hours I've wasted of theirs. I see myself as burden. In many ways, I do believe I have helped others. I've helped my friend BB work on her depression. I've helped several other students at my school with their issues. I've even helped some complete strangers. Does that all really matter though? At the end of the day, is it all worth it? Are your accomplishments enough to measure your purpose here? No. I do not believe I have earned happiness in my life, and that is precisely why I am down on myself all the time.
On Sunday, I layed in my bed thinking terrible thoughts. I do not wish to repeat them, as I know where it will go from there. I can tell you this though; my mind goes crazy sometimes. Sometimes, I think up the wildest things that scare the living daylight out of me. It worries me that my thoughts could turn into actions. Last night, I layed n the bathroom floor and sobbed until it hurt. I slept maybe a few hours last night. I know I'm especially in a lot of pain, when sleeping doesn't even numb the ache.
Tonight, I watched the news frantically as I heard updates about the Boston Marathon bombing earlier this evening. I'm not going to lie; I cried as I watched the pictures being displayed across the television screen of the faces of the victims and the dismembered bodies of the wounded. It's a scary world out there, and each day my eyes are opened a little wider to it.
Just a little bit ago, I confided in a guy about what has been going on with me. He seems like the perfect guy for me. We have everything in common, from the things we like to do to the way we hope to spend the rest of our lives. I figured I could trust him, as he has gave me no reason not to. I told him what was on my mind last night. At first, he apologized for not talking to me last night because "I needed him". Soon, he became worried that something like that could happen again. He told me what I was thinking and feeling was not a good thing, as if I didn't already know. He said he didn't know what he would do if something happened to me. Then, he said having someone like me in his life was not exactly something he wanted. He said he didn't think it would be "good for him for this to happen again, especially if we became closer". He said we can't ever be more than just friends. He said what we have is not healthy. Basically, he has given up on me. He wanted me to trust him and to confide in him, and then the second I do he rips the ground right out from under me and decides he wants to give up. Like every person in my life, from my first love to my father to my best friend of about eight years, they all have given up. Events like this smack me into reality that I have huge problems that other people don't want to deal with. It hurts to know that I have been putting others before myself for so long, and that as soon as I reach my hand out for a little help, I get rejected. Why would someone ask you to tell them what's going on, if they were just going to turn you away in the end? Is it out of fear, selfishness, or do they just not want to understand?
I don't know where I stand from here. I just had to make a point to write down exactly how I am feeling. In the end, I want someone to not give up on me. I want someone, anyone, to look me in the eye, tell me I'm worth it, and promise never to let me go. I want to be a priority, not someone to avoid. I know we all have problems, some of us more than others, but what makes it okay to turn away others? I don't understand. I don't know if I'll ever understand.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Four More Weeks
November 25th, 2012.
8:58pm
For the first semester this year, I told myself that I would just "try out" Fitness Challenge. I didn't commit to working as hard as I could every day. I didn't commit to eating right all the time. I didn't even change my eating habits all that much. I have not worked my hardest to look and feel great, and it's tearing me apart.
1. Ever cheated on someone? How many times?: I never have cheated on anybody and I never plan to. When someone cheats on you, it's the worst feeling in the world. I don't think anybody deserves that, and if anybody has cheated on me, I definitely ended the relationship as soon as possible. It's so disrespectful and it's one of those things that I just don't tolerate.
2. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Or if you are a virgin, what age do you think you’ll lose it at?: 3. Are you “in love” with somebody? I'm not "in love" but I definitely love and care for so many people. Ryan D. and Alyssa are just two of the many!
5. Have you ever done anything sexual on your parents bed?:
6. Ever been “the other person” in an affair?:7. How many people do you have a crush on right now?: Not many actually. It's kind of the least of my worries at the moment, for some reason.
9. Ever had a one night stand?:
10. Ever gotten drunk and couldn’t remember the night?:
11. Ever been sexually harassed and/or assaulted?:
33. Ever done something with your friend’s significant other?:
34. Did anyone ever confide in you about being gay/lesbian?:
36. Do you know of someone who has done a horrible crime but never got caught?
40. Did you or anyone you know have an abortion?:
41. Were you or any of your siblings in an accident?:41. What’s your #1 biggest fear?: Failing
43. Have you ever faced that fear? What happened?: I'm currently failing. I'm failing in more ways then one you could say. I'm failing in school, I'm failing at taking care of myself, I'm failing as a daughter, and I'm failing as a friend. Progression is key, though, and I'm working on it.
8:58pm
I've had enough. I literally cannot take this any longer. I'm tired of looking and feeling this way. I'm done looking into the mirrors and not seeing what I want to see. I have stretch marks everywhere on my body. I have acne all over my upper body. My entire body is gross and fat. I hate looking at myself, and I can't even imagine how others must feel. I can't live like this any longer.
For the first semester this year, I told myself that I would just "try out" Fitness Challenge. I didn't commit to working as hard as I could every day. I didn't commit to eating right all the time. I didn't even change my eating habits all that much. I have not worked my hardest to look and feel great, and it's tearing me apart.
There is no way I can continue in my old ways. For the first time in a long time, I literally didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted to give up. I wanted to just crawl back under the covers and close my eyes to ease all of the pain that I am not willing to fix. I can't give up though. Things can get better if I seriously set my mind to it.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new beginning for me, where I've come so far already, but I'm now I'm finally willing to give it all I've got.
Starting tomorrow:
1. Nutrition
- Considering the fact that I eat whatever I see, I'm now only going to eat whole foods. We've learned about these in Nutrition and Wellness, and also in Fitness Challenge.
- I am only allowed to eat anything processed on the weekends (in moderation).
- As far as what I drink, I tend to drink a lot of my calories. This should be the case for everyone, but I'm going to drink at least half of my body weight in ounces of water every single day. I am in Fitness Challenge and swimming, so it'll really help with those. It should also help my skin clarity.
- I need to actually eat breakfast every single day, and eat or drink something full of protein after working out. I should be eating 3-5 times per day (for me it will be before school around 7am, during Enrichment/Advising which is around 9:30am, at lunch around 11:30am, after school and before swim practice around 3pm, and at dinner time which is normally around 6pm.
- Also, I really struggle with limiting myself to what I eat after dinner. I usually snack at night, so I'm going to make sure I don't eat after 7pm (unless it's something small and a whole food).
- Personally, I know this doesn't help many people because they find it to be tedious, but it helps me if I write down everything I've eaten for that day. I just need to remember to keep a journal with me at all times!
2. Fitness
- People may think I'm being a little insane, but I need to workout even more if I want better results. On Mondays I workout a total of about three hours, on Tuesdays and Thursdays for about four hours, on Wednesdays and Fridays for about two and a half hours, and on the weekends it varies (about an hour generally). I need to do a little in the mornings, after dinner, and definitely on the weekends.
- During the times when I do get the opportunity to workout, I need to give it all I've got. I've been just going easy during my workouts and I need to do my best as much as I can. I definitely think I give myself a little too much slack, because I know I am capable of working out really hard.
- It's already 10:30, as I've been trying to type on and off for a few hours now. But I'm going to stay up as late as I need to in order to finish as much homework as I can for tomorrow. I literally had no time over break to do any of my homework, so I need to make sure I commit to doing it tonight.
- These next four weeks (until the end of the semester and until break) I'm going to work my butt off by turning in my work on time, turning in any eligible missing work, studying as much as possible, and by totally rocking finals!
- I need to talk to my teachers about my grades, because they've never been this bad. A lot of them aren't willing to work with me, but I know many of them will try and help me out. I know my counselors at school and my friends and swim coach will always help me out though.
- I always forget about this one. I just need to take care of my body on the outside, by actually using Proactive on my skin (which really works for me if I actually use it - it'll probably work for you too if you have oily skin like me!). Also, I'm not going to cake on unnecessary makeup, because I hate wearing it in the first place. I can't dress the way I want to until my family gets more stable with money and until I get the body I know I deserve, but I'm going to rock my sweats and tshirts!
1. Ever cheated on someone? How many times?: I never have cheated on anybody and I never plan to. When someone cheats on you, it's the worst feeling in the world. I don't think anybody deserves that, and if anybody has cheated on me, I definitely ended the relationship as soon as possible. It's so disrespectful and it's one of those things that I just don't tolerate.
6. Ever been “the other person” in an affair?:
10. Ever gotten drunk and couldn’t remember the night?:
12. Ever had a crush on your neighbor?: My neighbors have all either been really old people or people with their own families. I've never had neighbors that were around my own age (it's all the same for my mom's house, my father's house, and my dad's house).
13. Ever snuck out of the house?:
14. How many illegal drugs have you tried?
15. Do you do any drug regularly?:
16. If you’re underage, do you still drink and/or smoke cigarettes?:18. Ever attempted suicide?: I've never attempted it.
14. How many illegal drugs have you tried?
15. Do you do any drug regularly?:
16. If you’re underage, do you still drink and/or smoke cigarettes?:
19. Ever been to therapy? What for?: Yes, I went for the first time when I was 12 and I had a bad experience. I just started going again this past year and I really love my new counselor/therapist (or whatever you want to call her). I'm going for depression/anxiety, and for a lot of other things.
20. Have you ever been so upset that you stopped eating?: Yes
21. Are you clinically depressed? Are you taking anything for it?: Yes I am and I am taking some medicine that starts with a C, but I haven't been taking them lately and I'm not really sure why.
20. Have you ever been so upset that you stopped eating?: Yes
21. Are you clinically depressed? Are you taking anything for it?: Yes I am and I am taking some medicine that starts with a C, but I haven't been taking them lately and I'm not really sure why.
23. How old were you when you first got kissed?: Haha... (no comment)
24. Is there any “friend” of yours that you secretly hate but talk to anyway?: I don't hate really anybody, but I have strongly disliked people that I just put up with.
25. Ever been in a relationship and wanted to end it, but stuck with it for some reason?: Yes, I didn't have the heart to end it with him, but we are not together anymore. I finally got up the courage though.
26. Ever sent naked pictures to someone?:
27. What about sent them to someone you met over the Internet?:
28. Ever been abused?:29. Did you ever run away? How long were you gone for and what happened?: No I haven't. I honestly don't know where I'd go.
30. Do you ever lie to yourself about things so much that you believe it?: Yeah I try to convince myself of things all the time but that doesn't last long. I'm too smart for my own well-being!
24. Is there any “friend” of yours that you secretly hate but talk to anyway?: I don't hate really anybody, but I have strongly disliked people that I just put up with.
25. Ever been in a relationship and wanted to end it, but stuck with it for some reason?: Yes, I didn't have the heart to end it with him, but we are not together anymore. I finally got up the courage though.
27. What about sent them to someone you met over the Internet?:
28. Ever been abused?:
30. Do you ever lie to yourself about things so much that you believe it?: Yeah I try to convince myself of things all the time but that doesn't last long. I'm too smart for my own well-being!
31. Have you ever liked someone when you were dating someone else?: Oh yeah, but I don't think it's fair for anybody, so I try to stop myself before anybody gets hurt.
32. Ever dated a friend’s ex?: No, I definitely don't roll that way.
32. Ever dated a friend’s ex?: No, I definitely don't roll that way.
34. Did anyone ever confide in you about being gay/lesbian?:
36. Do you know of someone who has done a horrible crime but never got caught?
37. Ever stole a large sum of money?: Nope
38. Ever purposely threw up?: Yeah
38. Ever purposely threw up?: Yeah
39. Ever had an eating disorder? What happened?: I've had a few "eating disorders" for awhile I guess you could stay. For about a year I went through a phase where I wouldn't eat anything. For about 6 months I would binge eat, and I currently would consider what I have to be an eating disorder (where I overeat).
41. Were you or any of your siblings in an accident?:
43. Have you ever faced that fear? What happened?: I'm currently failing. I'm failing in more ways then one you could say. I'm failing in school, I'm failing at taking care of myself, I'm failing as a daughter, and I'm failing as a friend. Progression is key, though, and I'm working on it.
#Haileigh
Goodnight everybody. I hope you read this and take the time to really focus on the words I said. I'd like to hear your feedback also! Message me on Facebook or something and let me know what else I should post about, or just what you think. I love getting feedback. Have a nice night guys, and thanks again for reading this.
I hope you can relate to some of the things I say. You better take this all into consideration too. I hope for the next four weeks, whether you're a student or a parent or teacher or whatever, you rock it until Christmas, where you are able to relax and spend time with the ones you love. Your hard work will pay off! Good luck tomorrow, on the first Monday back from a long Thanksgiving break.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tuesday
November 14th, 2012.
9:54pm
The fact that I am still up after a day like this truly does amaze me. Yesterday, I literally worked out for a total of about three and a half hours. Fitness Challenge and swim practice totally kicked my butt, and I ended up eating my dinner with Alyssa and then going straight to bed. 12 hours of sleep last night wasn't even enough to make me feel energized for the day. Today I had Accounting I, College Algebra, Yearbook, and College Prep. Biology. Lets just say that I don't fancy my Red days, but luckily, I didn't fall asleep in any of my classes. I had swimming today from 3:30-5:30, and it was actually a pretty decent practice. All of us girls weight lifted with the wrestling boys for about a half an hour, which seemed to really make the swimming portion of practice go by quickly. I don't even know what stroke we worked on, that's how much I don't get swimming, but I'm guessing we were doing butterfly (because I struggled with the chicken, airplane, solider kicks), freestyle, and backstroke.
It was definitely a better day for me than it was yesterday. I broke down crying twice during practice yesterday because I felt so out of it and so freaking overwhelmed. I honestly just need to rant about my swimming experience from yesterday, because I definitely don't think there is any way I'll be able to get over it. Anyways, I absolutely hate changing in front of other people. I don't change in front of strangers, friends, family, or anybody for that matter. I don't like my body with clothes, and I sure as heck don't like it without them. If I can't stand to look at myself, then I don't expect others to either. Every practice I exclude myself from the other girls just to go and change in the separate stall because I'm that self-conscious. It's not that I don't trust the other girls or anything, it's just that is how I am. I don't want to say that "it's just who I am and who I always will be", because I hope one day I'll be comfortable around others. Today may not be the day, but one day... Anyways, Katie, Felicia, and I all walked into the pool area with all the other girls. Immediately I felt totally judged. I don't know if I was just being paranoid or if girls were actually hating, but there were a few girls who religiously gave me elevator eyes. When someone judges me like, I don't even know how to respond to it all.
To be continued...
9:54pm
The fact that I am still up after a day like this truly does amaze me. Yesterday, I literally worked out for a total of about three and a half hours. Fitness Challenge and swim practice totally kicked my butt, and I ended up eating my dinner with Alyssa and then going straight to bed. 12 hours of sleep last night wasn't even enough to make me feel energized for the day. Today I had Accounting I, College Algebra, Yearbook, and College Prep. Biology. Lets just say that I don't fancy my Red days, but luckily, I didn't fall asleep in any of my classes. I had swimming today from 3:30-5:30, and it was actually a pretty decent practice. All of us girls weight lifted with the wrestling boys for about a half an hour, which seemed to really make the swimming portion of practice go by quickly. I don't even know what stroke we worked on, that's how much I don't get swimming, but I'm guessing we were doing butterfly (because I struggled with the chicken, airplane, solider kicks), freestyle, and backstroke.
It was definitely a better day for me than it was yesterday. I broke down crying twice during practice yesterday because I felt so out of it and so freaking overwhelmed. I honestly just need to rant about my swimming experience from yesterday, because I definitely don't think there is any way I'll be able to get over it. Anyways, I absolutely hate changing in front of other people. I don't change in front of strangers, friends, family, or anybody for that matter. I don't like my body with clothes, and I sure as heck don't like it without them. If I can't stand to look at myself, then I don't expect others to either. Every practice I exclude myself from the other girls just to go and change in the separate stall because I'm that self-conscious. It's not that I don't trust the other girls or anything, it's just that is how I am. I don't want to say that "it's just who I am and who I always will be", because I hope one day I'll be comfortable around others. Today may not be the day, but one day... Anyways, Katie, Felicia, and I all walked into the pool area with all the other girls. Immediately I felt totally judged. I don't know if I was just being paranoid or if girls were actually hating, but there were a few girls who religiously gave me elevator eyes. When someone judges me like, I don't even know how to respond to it all.
To be continued...
Monday, November 12, 2012
Monday
November 12th, 2012
8:29pm
It has definitely just been one of those days. It has been one of those days where I hate everybody and everything. I must forewarn you that I'm in this type of mood for a reason, and if you don't want to sit there and listen to me explain what truly bothers me, then go on reading some other blog about a bunch of BS. I'm going to be straight up in this post, but I'm trying to restrict myself from using cruel language. Although I'd like to just throw the F-bomb around here and there, I definitely am trying to maintain an image with this blog. Also, it's just not the time or place for me to go all gangster on this bus-iness (wow, I literally just said that out loud in the whitest way possible)!
Anyways, today has been weird. I actually finished all my 'home'work at school today, and turned it all in on time. Since I honestly can't seem to narrow down my day, I'm just going to start from the beginning. If you haven't noticed, when I haven't posted in a long time, my coming back post is always uber long and tedious. I guess that's just how I roll...
When I woke up this morning, I took a really quick shower just to wash off my spray tan stuff from last night. If you saw what happen to me at the end of 8th grade year after I did my first spray tan, you probably just laughed all over yourself at that. No, but in all seriousness, I know how to actually put it on now. I'm really trying to look okay for swimming, so I definitely think that this will help me feel better about myself. Anyways, I got ready like normal today, and walked the few doors down to school. Starting off, I was already in one of those blah moods. Part of it could be just because it was a Monday, but also because of the weather. As fun as it is to dress up in big sweatshirts and fuzzy boots, I'd much rather be out playing in the ocean, soaking up the warm sun. Winter is fun for me, for about a week. It's so annoying when the pretty, fluffy snow turns into slushy, dirty grime on the streets. I hate the look of that. Colorado is crazy, though. It literally blizzarded on us at the football game on Saturday, and a few days from now we could be back in the 40-50 degree weather. Oh, Colorado.
My first class of the day was Accounting: talk about a bummer. It's not that I don't like the class, it's just that I don't care! It sounds a little harsh, but honestly, it's not one of those things I'm really worried about getting really into. Sure, I'm going to need to know how to balance a check book someday or manage my bank account other ways, but this class is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. My most favorite part about it is getting to spend time with my buddy Mireya. We've gotten really close this year, and I'm so happy she moved back. Cross my fingers, but I hope we still keep in touch after she moves. Anywho, we always have a lot of fun in that class adding "yo mama" after every other sentence. We can easily talk to each other about our stupid boy drama and everything else that goes on throughout our lives. She's a really good and trustworthy person, and I wish more people could see that.
Right after Accounting I had Fitness Challenge. This is one of my most favorite classes of the day, not only because I get to spend even more time with Mireya, but because I get to workout and totally feel okay about it. In Fitness Challenge, it's an all-girl class, and I absolutely adore that idea. I love it because I genuinly think girls are more understanding and helpful than guys as far as fitness and personal health. Whenever I work out with guys, I always feel judged because I can't lift as much as them or train as hard at times. Whenever I'm around the girls, we all generally lift the same and struggle with similar things. I never feel alone in that class, as I'm surrounded by the most amazing group of girls. Mary has helped me through so much this year, she honestly deserves an award herself. Whenever I'd be finishing up the mile, she'd come and finish it out with me. She cheered me on while I was benching real heavy at the beginning of the year, when I was struggling in our gym workouts, and on so many other occasions. It's so good to know that I have other people who believe in me. Wendy is also such a loving and beautiful person inside and out. I have her in Yearbook with me too, so I feel like we've really gotten to know each other this year. When she can she always lends me a hand or encourages me with her kind words. These girls will never, ever know how much it all means to me. Sure, I'm posting about it all, but words don't even describe these things. Other then these girls, I can name so many others who have helped me in one way or another. I wish I could personally thank every single person ever who has made an impact on my life.
It's 11:24 now. No, it did not take me three hours to type this. It literally took me like 10 minutes and I've just bee jacking around. I'm going to definitely post tomorrow, because I need to include something big about swimming. Have a good night. I hope I still have a reader or two!
8:29pm
It has definitely just been one of those days. It has been one of those days where I hate everybody and everything. I must forewarn you that I'm in this type of mood for a reason, and if you don't want to sit there and listen to me explain what truly bothers me, then go on reading some other blog about a bunch of BS. I'm going to be straight up in this post, but I'm trying to restrict myself from using cruel language. Although I'd like to just throw the F-bomb around here and there, I definitely am trying to maintain an image with this blog. Also, it's just not the time or place for me to go all gangster on this bus-iness (wow, I literally just said that out loud in the whitest way possible)!
Anyways, today has been weird. I actually finished all my 'home'work at school today, and turned it all in on time. Since I honestly can't seem to narrow down my day, I'm just going to start from the beginning. If you haven't noticed, when I haven't posted in a long time, my coming back post is always uber long and tedious. I guess that's just how I roll...
When I woke up this morning, I took a really quick shower just to wash off my spray tan stuff from last night. If you saw what happen to me at the end of 8th grade year after I did my first spray tan, you probably just laughed all over yourself at that. No, but in all seriousness, I know how to actually put it on now. I'm really trying to look okay for swimming, so I definitely think that this will help me feel better about myself. Anyways, I got ready like normal today, and walked the few doors down to school. Starting off, I was already in one of those blah moods. Part of it could be just because it was a Monday, but also because of the weather. As fun as it is to dress up in big sweatshirts and fuzzy boots, I'd much rather be out playing in the ocean, soaking up the warm sun. Winter is fun for me, for about a week. It's so annoying when the pretty, fluffy snow turns into slushy, dirty grime on the streets. I hate the look of that. Colorado is crazy, though. It literally blizzarded on us at the football game on Saturday, and a few days from now we could be back in the 40-50 degree weather. Oh, Colorado.
My first class of the day was Accounting: talk about a bummer. It's not that I don't like the class, it's just that I don't care! It sounds a little harsh, but honestly, it's not one of those things I'm really worried about getting really into. Sure, I'm going to need to know how to balance a check book someday or manage my bank account other ways, but this class is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. My most favorite part about it is getting to spend time with my buddy Mireya. We've gotten really close this year, and I'm so happy she moved back. Cross my fingers, but I hope we still keep in touch after she moves. Anywho, we always have a lot of fun in that class adding "yo mama" after every other sentence. We can easily talk to each other about our stupid boy drama and everything else that goes on throughout our lives. She's a really good and trustworthy person, and I wish more people could see that.
Right after Accounting I had Fitness Challenge. This is one of my most favorite classes of the day, not only because I get to spend even more time with Mireya, but because I get to workout and totally feel okay about it. In Fitness Challenge, it's an all-girl class, and I absolutely adore that idea. I love it because I genuinly think girls are more understanding and helpful than guys as far as fitness and personal health. Whenever I work out with guys, I always feel judged because I can't lift as much as them or train as hard at times. Whenever I'm around the girls, we all generally lift the same and struggle with similar things. I never feel alone in that class, as I'm surrounded by the most amazing group of girls. Mary has helped me through so much this year, she honestly deserves an award herself. Whenever I'd be finishing up the mile, she'd come and finish it out with me. She cheered me on while I was benching real heavy at the beginning of the year, when I was struggling in our gym workouts, and on so many other occasions. It's so good to know that I have other people who believe in me. Wendy is also such a loving and beautiful person inside and out. I have her in Yearbook with me too, so I feel like we've really gotten to know each other this year. When she can she always lends me a hand or encourages me with her kind words. These girls will never, ever know how much it all means to me. Sure, I'm posting about it all, but words don't even describe these things. Other then these girls, I can name so many others who have helped me in one way or another. I wish I could personally thank every single person ever who has made an impact on my life.
It's 11:24 now. No, it did not take me three hours to type this. It literally took me like 10 minutes and I've just bee jacking around. I'm going to definitely post tomorrow, because I need to include something big about swimming. Have a good night. I hope I still have a reader or two!
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
Breakaway
October 2nd, 2012.
11:29pm
Just thought I'd share this video with you guys. It has always made me feel so motivated after watching it. I'll create a better post later. Food for thought <3
11:29pm
Monday, October 01, 2012
Homecoming Week
October 1st, 2012.
9:15pm
9:15pm
What a day. This is not exactly the way I hoped homecoming week would start off. I hate being friends with girls. I hate the lieing. I hate the back-stabbing. I hate the jealousy. I hate the name calling. I hate all the two-faced people. Is it really that hard to go up to somebody and confront them about a problem? What benefits come out of talking smack about the people you claim to truly care about?
 |
| I love everything about this: absolutely everything. |
Personally, there is a huge difference between talking smack and venting. Today at lunch, I vented. I vented to all three of my girls who have the same problem with this other girl as I do. We vented! I told them what was going on, I told them how I felt, and I told them what I was going to do about the whole situation. I didn't talk about irrelevant crap that everyone else wants to constantly gab about. Girls these days want to judge each other for every single little thing; from the shoes the other girls wear to the people they talk to. Honestly, who cares! I'm only worried about me, and the manner of all the other people I care about. All the rest is just jumbo.
 |
| I feel think about this every single day! |
11:17pm
I am currently watching the movie Eat, Pray, Love. If you want to know how I feel or what my ambition is, just watch this movie. I can relate to about 80% of feelings she is having in the movie, and the other 20% I can't relate to because I'm not in that stage of my life (yet). I really want to just drop everything and travel. Go to a different country, with different people, and live in a different style of life. I'm looking forward to my life. More and more every day, I have to remind myself why I'm still alive. I have to remind myself that someday I will be scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef. Someday I will be surfing on the beach in California. One day I will be in Mexico playing volleyball in the silky sand. Like I said, I constantly have to remind myself that this will all be worth it. With hard work and dedication, I will make it there.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
KARMA
September 30th, 2012.
11:37pm
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Don't ask me why, but it's just always in the back of my head. And it makes me laugh, honestly. I keep thinking about how much my life would be different if I was a healthy and happy weight. I keep thinking about how good it will feel to "reject" all of the guys who never treated me right when I was big. I wish I was just saying that. I'm definitely not trying to sound coincided: that's the least of my intent. Honestly, if a guy ends up "liking" me, he'll almost never prove it in person. It's because he is embarrassed to be around me. He's embarrassed to have a thing with a big girl. I've had a guy actually tell me this before, so don't just think that I'm saying this to feel sorry for myself. When I'm the way I want to look, I am not going to give not one of those guys the time of day. To every single guy I've ever been picked on or put down by because of my weight: forget you. I meant nothing to you, so you mean nothing to me. For all the guys out there that I have deeply liked and you've treated me like I was nothing; all I have to say is karma is a *jerk*.
:) Have a good night.
11:37pm
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Don't ask me why, but it's just always in the back of my head. And it makes me laugh, honestly. I keep thinking about how much my life would be different if I was a healthy and happy weight. I keep thinking about how good it will feel to "reject" all of the guys who never treated me right when I was big. I wish I was just saying that. I'm definitely not trying to sound coincided: that's the least of my intent. Honestly, if a guy ends up "liking" me, he'll almost never prove it in person. It's because he is embarrassed to be around me. He's embarrassed to have a thing with a big girl. I've had a guy actually tell me this before, so don't just think that I'm saying this to feel sorry for myself. When I'm the way I want to look, I am not going to give not one of those guys the time of day. To every single guy I've ever been picked on or put down by because of my weight: forget you. I meant nothing to you, so you mean nothing to me. For all the guys out there that I have deeply liked and you've treated me like I was nothing; all I have to say is karma is a *jerk*.
:) Have a good night.
Negativity
September 29, 2012
8:30pm
I don’t know where to really start with this post. Overall, I’m actually pretty offended about this whole situation. Recently, I’ve received some comments from a few individuals about my blog from people that I really care about. I’m not creating this post just because I have people out there who have a problem with how I express myself. I honestly just want to make sure I clarify a few things.
I think I’ve made it pretty clear about the purpose of my blog. Losing2Gain is all about ridding of my setbacks and trying to completely change my life for the better. Also, I created this blog just so I have a “safe” place where I can completely be me. I want my story to be heard, but I am worried that it is being misinterpreted.
The whole reason why I’ve talked about boys on my blog is just to show other girls that they are not alone. Secretly, every girl wants to have an amazing relationship with a guy. There is no way you can sit there and tell me that you don’t dream about what life would be like with the man of your dreams. Every girl wants to fall in love with a handsome prince! A girl may not admit it, but she still cannot deny it. Growing up without a dad has always been hard from day 1. I may not have realized it as much as I do now, but it has always made me feel bad about myself. I’ve heard a lot of things about how girls who grow up without a father configures with dramatic effects in their everyday lives when they reach their teen years. Most girls I know who don’t have a father feel similar to the way I feel and struggle with the same things too. Honestly, it only makes sense for me to feel so needy! The purpose of me talking about Taylor and all of the other things I said involving boys was not to make yall feel sorry for me. I’m not trying to come off as a desperate school girl with an obsession for the male gender. If you honestly think that is my intention, I’m seriously worried. You don’t know me well enough. In person, I generally act pretty freaking boy crazy. Yeah, I’ll admit it. I think a lot of guys are attractive. I think a lot of guys are nice. I think a lot of guys are approachable. I’m not that different from every other girl; I’m just a lot more open about it then most! Take Alyssa for example. She knows me probably more than anybody else. I’ve explained this concept to her numerous times. I act boy crazy sometimes just to get a good laugh out of the people around me. You know me: I’m always trying to make others smile! Believe it or not, I’m not obsessed with every boy I meet ;)
Anyways, I was also criticized for coming off as “unapproachable” with the way I act in my blog. Someone told me that if a guy was reading my blog, he won’t be attracted to me because I seem all depressed and self conscious all the time. All I have to say to this is that again this is not my intention. I deeply feel that if I tell others how I am feeling, maybe others can help me. Or, I can just “blog” about how I am feeling about something. The people I connect with in my blog should know me pretty well by now, and it’s easier for me to type out my feelings then to verbally communicate. The whole purpose of my blog is to better my life, am I not right? If a guy is reading this and he gets turned off by my struggles, what is a girl to do? I have no control of my past, only my present. It really hurts me that someone would be so not attracted to me just because of the things I say in my blog. It’s not like I’m trying to create this pity party and I want all potential boyfriends to read it! If you are a guy and you are reading this: cheers. And I just want you to know that I really appreciate you reading this. Don’t worry, there is still a lot more that you don’t know about me. My blog only really focuses on the things I’m trying to improve, not the things that I have truly achieved. Honestly, I’m not depressed everyday. And once in a blue moon I do have my confident days. I’m growing, just like anyone else, and I’m trying to see the good in myself. I see so much greatness in others, and I hope you guys can genuinely see that I deeply care about most individuals. Honest to blog, don’t take every single statement I make in this blog to heart. Sometimes I write out of anger, lust, loss; you just got to get used to it!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
September 18th
September 18th, 2012
6pm
I have not posted in such a long time! Oh my goodness! It's crazy how time flies, honestly. I've been so busy with school and friends and extra curricular activities and all of that. The important thing is that I'm posting now, right?
In all honesty, I have so much to post, it's not even funny. So much has happened within the last month. Since school has started, I've been attending CAT sessions when I can. If you don't know, CAT is Core Academic Tutoring at Eaton High School. Sometimes I'm assigned to it, but other times I just go in for a little extra help. The last thing I want to do is get behind this year! CAT is every day after school, and certain subjects are assigned a certain day. For instance, today was math CAT, where any student enrolled in a math class could go in for help or go in to get caught back up with whatever they are missing. It's pretty nice that the school has this on such a consistent basis. I see students in CAT almost every day.
On Tuesdays, I go and see my counselor Susan in Greeley. It's really nice to talk to someone who doesn't know everything about you, and who can give you an outsider's opinion. Mrs. Kaysen, my amazing couselor at school, suggested I go and see the people that work at this Banner Health facility. I honestly don't know what I would do without Susan and Mrs. Kaysen! I don't really want to go into further detail about my couseling, but maybe one day I can open up about this.
Most every other day, I am generally with my friends. We go to games, occasionally finish homework together, and basically just hang out!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
11:30pm
Have you ever just cried? Have you ever just felt like nothing goes right, like nothing is truly worth it anymore? Ever just feel hopeless, miserable, and so alone?
I hate when I look at pictures of me. I hate it more than anything else. This weekend, Alyssa took a whole bunch of pictures of us shopping for homecoming dresses. When I looked at the group picture of all of us, it just really hurt. It hurts to know that I am the fattest out of all of my friends. It hurts to know that I am trying so hard to change, yet I still feel worse and worse each time I look into the mirror. I can't even explain the feelings I get when I look at myself. All I see is this huge beast. I don't see this strong, funny, smart person that everyone else sees. I see a girl who eats all of her feelings. I see a girl who still has never kissed a guy because of the way she looks. I see this sophmore girl who has been trying to change the way she looks since she was just a little girl in elementary school. I'm never going to accept the way I look, looking like this. I want to be freaking happy already, and I can't do that when I feel like this because I look like this. It's not so much a feeling of sadness anymore. It's more of a feeling of pain. I feel a pain deep down in my gut, deep inside my heart, and in the pit of my throat. I'm just not sure anymore. I just don't know.
6pm
I have not posted in such a long time! Oh my goodness! It's crazy how time flies, honestly. I've been so busy with school and friends and extra curricular activities and all of that. The important thing is that I'm posting now, right?
In all honesty, I have so much to post, it's not even funny. So much has happened within the last month. Since school has started, I've been attending CAT sessions when I can. If you don't know, CAT is Core Academic Tutoring at Eaton High School. Sometimes I'm assigned to it, but other times I just go in for a little extra help. The last thing I want to do is get behind this year! CAT is every day after school, and certain subjects are assigned a certain day. For instance, today was math CAT, where any student enrolled in a math class could go in for help or go in to get caught back up with whatever they are missing. It's pretty nice that the school has this on such a consistent basis. I see students in CAT almost every day.
On Tuesdays, I go and see my counselor Susan in Greeley. It's really nice to talk to someone who doesn't know everything about you, and who can give you an outsider's opinion. Mrs. Kaysen, my amazing couselor at school, suggested I go and see the people that work at this Banner Health facility. I honestly don't know what I would do without Susan and Mrs. Kaysen! I don't really want to go into further detail about my couseling, but maybe one day I can open up about this.
Most every other day, I am generally with my friends. We go to games, occasionally finish homework together, and basically just hang out!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
11:30pm
Have you ever just cried? Have you ever just felt like nothing goes right, like nothing is truly worth it anymore? Ever just feel hopeless, miserable, and so alone?
I hate when I look at pictures of me. I hate it more than anything else. This weekend, Alyssa took a whole bunch of pictures of us shopping for homecoming dresses. When I looked at the group picture of all of us, it just really hurt. It hurts to know that I am the fattest out of all of my friends. It hurts to know that I am trying so hard to change, yet I still feel worse and worse each time I look into the mirror. I can't even explain the feelings I get when I look at myself. All I see is this huge beast. I don't see this strong, funny, smart person that everyone else sees. I see a girl who eats all of her feelings. I see a girl who still has never kissed a guy because of the way she looks. I see this sophmore girl who has been trying to change the way she looks since she was just a little girl in elementary school. I'm never going to accept the way I look, looking like this. I want to be freaking happy already, and I can't do that when I feel like this because I look like this. It's not so much a feeling of sadness anymore. It's more of a feeling of pain. I feel a pain deep down in my gut, deep inside my heart, and in the pit of my throat. I'm just not sure anymore. I just don't know.
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