September 18th

     September 18th, 2012
     6pm
     I have not posted in such a long time! Oh my goodness! It's crazy how time flies, honestly. I've been so busy with school and friends and extra curricular activities and all of that. The important thing is that I'm posting now, right?
     In all honesty, I have so much to post, it's not even funny. So much has happened within the last month. Since school has started, I've been attending CAT sessions when I can. If you don't know, CAT is Core Academic Tutoring at Eaton High School. Sometimes I'm assigned to it, but other times I just go in for a little extra help. The last thing I want to do is get behind this year! CAT is every day after school, and certain subjects are assigned a certain day. For instance, today was math CAT, where any student enrolled in a math class could go in for help or go in to get caught back up with whatever they are missing. It's pretty nice that the school has this on such a consistent basis. I see students in CAT almost every day.
     On Tuesdays, I go and see my counselor Susan in Greeley. It's really nice to talk to someone who doesn't know everything about you, and who can give you an outsider's opinion. Mrs. Kaysen, my amazing couselor at school, suggested I go and see the people that work at this Banner Health facility. I honestly don't know what I would do without Susan and Mrs. Kaysen! I don't really want to go into further detail about my couseling, but maybe one day I can open up about this.
     Most every other day, I am generally with my friends. We go to games, occasionally finish homework together, and basically just hang out!
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     11:30pm
     Have you ever just cried? Have you ever just felt like nothing goes right, like nothing is truly worth it anymore? Ever just feel hopeless, miserable, and so alone?
     I hate when I look at pictures of me. I hate it more than anything else. This weekend, Alyssa took a whole bunch of pictures of us shopping for homecoming dresses. When I looked at the group picture of all of us, it just really hurt. It hurts to know that I am the fattest out of all of my friends. It hurts to know that I am trying so hard to change, yet I still feel worse and worse each time I look into the mirror. I can't even explain the feelings I get when I look at myself. All I see is this huge beast. I don't see this strong, funny, smart person that everyone else sees. I see a girl who eats all of her feelings. I see a girl who still has never kissed a guy because of the way she looks. I see this sophmore girl who has been trying to change the way she looks since she was just a little girl in elementary school. I'm never going to accept the way I look, looking like this. I want to be freaking happy already, and I can't do that when I feel like this because I look like this. It's not so much a feeling of sadness anymore. It's more of a feeling of pain. I feel a pain deep down in my gut, deep inside my heart, and in the pit of my throat. I'm just not sure anymore. I just don't know.