KARMA

     September 30th, 2012.
     11:37pm
     I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Don't ask me why, but it's just always in the back of my head. And it makes me laugh, honestly. I keep thinking about how much my life would be different if I was a healthy and happy weight. I keep thinking about how good it will feel to "reject" all of the guys who never treated me right when I was big. I wish I was just saying that. I'm definitely not trying to sound coincided: that's the least of my intent. Honestly, if a guy ends up "liking" me, he'll almost never prove it in person. It's because he is embarrassed to be around me. He's embarrassed to have a thing with a big girl. I've had a guy actually tell me this before, so don't just think that I'm saying this to feel sorry for myself. When I'm the way I want to look, I am not going to give not one of those guys the time of day. To every single guy I've ever been picked on or put down by because of my weight: forget you. I meant nothing to you, so you mean nothing to me. For all the guys out there that I have deeply liked and you've treated me like I was nothing; all I have to say is karma is a *jerk*.
:) Have a good night.

Negativity

September 29, 2012

8:30pm

            I don’t know where to really start with this post. Overall, I’m actually pretty offended about this whole situation. Recently, I’ve received some comments from a few individuals about my blog from people that I really care about. I’m not creating this post just because I have people out there who have a problem with how I express myself. I honestly just want to make sure I clarify a few things.

            I think I’ve made it pretty clear about the purpose of my blog. Losing2Gain is all about ridding of my setbacks and trying to completely change my life for the better. Also, I created this blog just so I have a “safe” place where I can completely be me. I want my story to be heard, but I am worried that it is being misinterpreted.

            The whole reason why I’ve talked about boys on my blog is just to show other girls that they are not alone. Secretly, every girl wants to have an amazing relationship with a guy. There is no way you can sit there and tell me that you don’t dream about what life would be like with the man of your dreams. Every girl wants to fall in love with a handsome prince! A girl may not admit it, but she still cannot deny it. Growing up without a dad has always been hard from day 1. I may not have realized it as much as I do now, but it has always made me feel bad about myself. I’ve heard a lot of things about how girls who grow up without a father configures with dramatic effects in their everyday lives when they reach their teen years. Most girls I know who don’t have a father feel similar to the way I feel and struggle with the same things too. Honestly, it only makes sense for me to feel so needy! The purpose of me talking about Taylor and all of the other things I said involving boys was not to make yall feel sorry for me. I’m not trying to come off as a desperate school girl with an obsession for the male gender. If you honestly think that is my intention, I’m seriously worried. You don’t know me well enough. In person, I generally act pretty freaking boy crazy. Yeah, I’ll admit it. I think a lot of guys are attractive. I think a lot of guys are nice. I think a lot of guys are approachable. I’m not that different from every other girl; I’m just a lot more open about it then most! Take Alyssa for example. She knows me probably more than anybody else. I’ve explained this concept to her numerous times. I act boy crazy sometimes just to get a good laugh out of the people around me. You know me: I’m always trying to make others smile! Believe it or not, I’m not obsessed with every boy I meet ;)

Anyways, I was also criticized for coming off as “unapproachable” with the way I act in my blog. Someone told me that if a guy was reading my blog, he won’t be attracted to me because I seem all depressed and self conscious all the time. All I have to say to this is that again this is not my intention. I deeply feel that if I tell others how I am feeling, maybe others can help me. Or, I can just “blog” about how I am feeling about something. The people I connect with in my blog should know me pretty well by now, and it’s easier for me to type out my feelings then to verbally communicate. The whole purpose of my blog is to better my life, am I not right? If a guy is reading this and he gets turned off by my struggles, what is a girl to do? I have no control of my past, only my present. It really hurts me that someone would be so not attracted to me just because of the things I say in my blog. It’s not like I’m trying to create this pity party and I want all potential boyfriends to read it! If you are a guy and you are reading this: cheers. And I just want you to know that I really appreciate you reading this. Don’t worry, there is still a lot more that you don’t know about me. My blog only really focuses on the things I’m trying to improve, not the things that I have truly achieved. Honestly, I’m not depressed everyday. And once in a blue moon I do have my confident days. I’m growing, just like anyone else, and I’m trying to see the good in myself. I see so much greatness in others, and I hope you guys can genuinely see that I deeply care about most individuals. Honest to blog, don’t take every single statement I make in this blog to heart. Sometimes I write out of anger, lust, loss; you just got to get used to it!

September 18th

     September 18th, 2012
     6pm
     I have not posted in such a long time! Oh my goodness! It's crazy how time flies, honestly. I've been so busy with school and friends and extra curricular activities and all of that. The important thing is that I'm posting now, right?
     In all honesty, I have so much to post, it's not even funny. So much has happened within the last month. Since school has started, I've been attending CAT sessions when I can. If you don't know, CAT is Core Academic Tutoring at Eaton High School. Sometimes I'm assigned to it, but other times I just go in for a little extra help. The last thing I want to do is get behind this year! CAT is every day after school, and certain subjects are assigned a certain day. For instance, today was math CAT, where any student enrolled in a math class could go in for help or go in to get caught back up with whatever they are missing. It's pretty nice that the school has this on such a consistent basis. I see students in CAT almost every day.
     On Tuesdays, I go and see my counselor Susan in Greeley. It's really nice to talk to someone who doesn't know everything about you, and who can give you an outsider's opinion. Mrs. Kaysen, my amazing couselor at school, suggested I go and see the people that work at this Banner Health facility. I honestly don't know what I would do without Susan and Mrs. Kaysen! I don't really want to go into further detail about my couseling, but maybe one day I can open up about this.
     Most every other day, I am generally with my friends. We go to games, occasionally finish homework together, and basically just hang out!
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     11:30pm
     Have you ever just cried? Have you ever just felt like nothing goes right, like nothing is truly worth it anymore? Ever just feel hopeless, miserable, and so alone?
     I hate when I look at pictures of me. I hate it more than anything else. This weekend, Alyssa took a whole bunch of pictures of us shopping for homecoming dresses. When I looked at the group picture of all of us, it just really hurt. It hurts to know that I am the fattest out of all of my friends. It hurts to know that I am trying so hard to change, yet I still feel worse and worse each time I look into the mirror. I can't even explain the feelings I get when I look at myself. All I see is this huge beast. I don't see this strong, funny, smart person that everyone else sees. I see a girl who eats all of her feelings. I see a girl who still has never kissed a guy because of the way she looks. I see this sophmore girl who has been trying to change the way she looks since she was just a little girl in elementary school. I'm never going to accept the way I look, looking like this. I want to be freaking happy already, and I can't do that when I feel like this because I look like this. It's not so much a feeling of sadness anymore. It's more of a feeling of pain. I feel a pain deep down in my gut, deep inside my heart, and in the pit of my throat. I'm just not sure anymore. I just don't know.