June 10th, 2012
Thought of the Day: Friends "June 10th: You never laugh at me when I sing along with all my heart to a cheesy song on the radio. Well, okay - you laugh, but not much. Thanks for loving me, cheese and all."
Thought of the Day: Friends "June 10th: You never laugh at me when I sing along with all my heart to a cheesy song on the radio. Well, okay - you laugh, but not much. Thanks for loving me, cheese and all."
Right now, I'm watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition on ABC. I've watched a previous episode, starring a man named Tony. This episode is on Jacqui, a thirty year old woman who is 200+ pounds overweight. Her BMI is over 50%, and she currently has polycystic ovarian disease, where she has issues with fertility.
She had a record-braking final weight in, 365 days in the making.
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| 100% relateable, don't you think? Photo by Brandon Cyrus |
At the beginning of the episode, she had a crazy meltdown. She locked herself in the bathroom, and anxiously cried as she looked in the mirror. Heather, Extreme Makeover Producer, finally got her to talk. Jacqui quotes, "I feel embarrassed that I had to look at myself; I haven't had to do it before. I feel sick. When you don't look, you can pretend like you're not so ugly. I just don't know if I can let people see me like this. [People] probably throw up. I feel bad for subjecting people to that disgusting image. You wonder why you are even here and why this is happening and why nothing can be changed and it just makes you feel very alone; just subhuman." She continues to stare at herself in the mirror, examining her imperfections and questioning why this is happening to her. Her eyes tear up as she touches her stomach and realizes how dreadful she feels and how even worse she thinks she looks. Her lips tremble as she talks and I can just literally feel her pain. It is such a familiar feeling to me, because I know and can relate to all of her words. I am in that same position. I have come a long way since I was younger, but I still look in the mirror and cry, or I still look at other girls and wish I could be healthy and happy like them. All my wishing has not gotten me anywhere, and it took me so long to figure that out. Nobody has any idea how hard it is to lose weight. It takes more self-discipline than anyone can ever imagine. I'd like to say that you can only relate unless you've been standing in my shoes, but now I know that everyone has their insecurities, inside and out, and we all wish and dream of a better life. We all have felt desperate and hideous at one time or another. Unfortunately, for people like Jacqui and I, those feelings occur more often then they should.
She manages for a Health and Wellness company, and she often feels ashamed because they are making people's lives better and she can't get her own life together. This is entirely relateable, on so many levels. I made this blog to not only help myself and to document everything that is on my mind, but to also inspire and inform others about myself. I know that at the establishment of my blog I said that this was only for me and I didn't necessarily care what others thought of it. Looking back, I realize it is entirely wrong to think like that. I have always been a very giving and helpful person, and this blog has helped out so many others in ways I can't even comprehend. I do care what others think of me, like any normal person, but I seem to care a lot more about the positive things than the negative. I once heard some quote that said something like 'a girl will never believe your compliments when she's been put down so many times' or something like that. I used to be that way entirely, when a million people would tell me I was amazing, and just one guy that told me I was worthless literally ruined my life. It's amazing how those terrible insults can overpower the compliments. I find it rather ironic, really. 
Later on, she explained that she started gaining weight when she was about 14. Around that age, she was raped at a party. She used food as a way to cope with all her emotions. When these words spilled out of her mouth, I literally started balling. I know I am not alone. This complete stranger was struggling with the same things as me. My best friend moving away, my little brother being born, my dad moving back from Washington, my dog dieing, all the drama with my mom, completely switching friend groups at school, and dealing with all the drama that came along with each and every one of those situations really paid a tole on me. All of this occurred in the 7th grade, and things just skyrocketed from there. Weight gain, changes in grades at school, withdrawal from the activities I loved, and so much more was the direct result of all that stress and emotional buildup. It was just too much for me to handle. Miraculously, I'm still here today. Throughout the entire year, I had suicidal thoughts, and trust me, it's still not so easy to share this with you today. I struggled so much because I felt worthless, and too many people at the time were making me feel that way. I'd hate to point fingers, but I seriously felt abandonment from many of my friends, family members, teachers, and peers during a time when I needed them the most. I kept telling myself I wanted to die, but in reality, I just wanted to be saved.
As the show rolled into Day 2 for Jacqui, she met up with a nutritionist along with her trainer Chris Powell. They made an amazing dish, which I would have loved to have eaten because it contained shrimp, pasta, and broccoli! They came up with a plan where for the next year, she will be on a 1,500 calories/day food intake diet, with low sugar and controlled sodium, at five small meals/day. She will be working out six days per week, at about 2-4 hours/day. Even though she will be eating healthy, I know that portion control is a big factor in successful weight loss. At her first 90 days, she will be at an approximate 3,500 calorie/day deficit, equaling a pound of fat loss every single day. In the words of Chris, "I know it seems a little bit radical and a little bit extreme, and it is to most people; however... those numbers are very obtainable." At first, I thought this plan was a little bit extreme. If she slipped up just the slightest it could really mess with her chances of reaching her goal. As I thought about it a little more throughout the show, this is a very realistic goal and a great way to start with weight loss. This first year is going to be tough for me, but I have confidence that it will get easier. I will learn so much about my body and how to take care of myself better. I want to live to be 100, and I feel like this is a great way to start improving my life expectancy. I took this quiz a couple of days ago on life expectancy, and it turns out that if I keep continuing this lifestyle, I will probably only live to be about 70 years old. From a different perspective, that is just a couple years older than my grandparents right now. I can't imagine losing them in a couple years, and I don't want to do that to myself or to anybody else when I become that age. I hope this weight loss will not only make me feel better about myself, but also improve my health on a long-term basis.
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| I was going to apologize for how long this post is, but then I realized... |
By Day 7, Chris designed a fitness program perfect for her. Halfway through her first workout, she has a meltdown, where Chris can see that all of a sudden she is having a huge wake up call. She didn't realize how bad her health has gotten until she has to do the simple workouts. I can't help but feel for her because I know what it's like to have your body and mind give up on you. It is a scary and helpless feeling, and I don't wish anyone to have to go through that. When I would workout sometimes on my own, I would seriously lack motivation because I just couldn't push myself to my full potential. With almost everything in my life I have always settled for less than my best.
As she was working out, she was on the verge of a complete meltdown. She felt as if she should give up because she physically couldn't perform like Chris was asking her to do. Chris had her stop and he asked her the most simple question. He asked her why she was doing this. He asked her why she was fighting through the pain to better her life. He asked her why she gets up in the morning, and why this will all be worth it. Her answer was that she was doing it for her husband so they could have a family together. For me, I am trying to lose weight for my family also. I don't want to leave them 30 years earlier than I should because I am so far overweight. I want to live to watch my children get married, and to see my grandchildren get married too. Mainly, I just want to lose weight so I can live my life! All these years I have set myself out of activities and not gone to events out of complete embarrassment. I want to show up at Eaton Days Summer 2013 and just wow all the people I know. I want to finally look into the mirror and smile, and really mean it. I want to feel happiness and be able to do the things I love without worrying about my size or what others are going to think of me. I just want to live a normal teenage life for once. I have never been at a healthy weight, and I want to change that. I know I will never be a twig, but I at least want to be happy and healthy. I'd love to travel the world someday and photograph all the beautiful things I see and meet many new people and try many new things. I can't do that unless I'm comfortable with myself. I'm so excited to grow up and actually live a normal life. You watch me. A year from now, I will no longer be this unhappy, fat teenager. I know it sounds crazy, but I wish they had a show like Extreme Makeover for people my age. I would love to be able to lose weight and share my story with many other people all around the world. I can't think of a better way to make an impact. |
| I don't care what your imperfections are. Live by this rule only <3 |
As the days continued, Day 270 touched me a lot. Chris said he was impressed because she was taking control of her body, and she truly looked incredible. My favorite quote that I had to steal out of this show was from Chris. He is such an inspiration to many, and now he is an inspiration to me. "Life starts at the end of your comfort zone. This is your challenge of the year, and you've got the weight loss thing down!" He said that Jacqui's true challenge was becoming comfortable with herself and having the courage to put herself out in front of people. He seriously nailed it dead on. Losing weight is not only about getting your body back to health, but it is also about learning to love yourself and to be thankful for what you have. The most confident people out there are the ones who have accepted their differences and embraced them. They don't sit and dwell on what they wish their life could have been. They keep their eyes and mind open and see life as a gift; a challenging and rewarding gift. Chris also encouraged Jacqui to finally sing again in front of a crowd. She was hesitant at first, but she eventually performed for a group of about 20 people who just happened to be in the middle of a conference. I was actually very surprised that the group was so encouraging and happy for Jacqui. Right now I have the television paused on her reaction as she hugged Chris after she finished singing. She wasn't pretending to be happy like she did in the past. She was actually smiling because she felt happy. She also felt relieved, and inspired. I want to feel like that again. I want to go back out on that volleyball court and set the ball like I used to in middle school. I want to go back to writing poetry, and drawing whatever my heart desired. I want to lose myself in a book. These are just a couple of the things I used to really enjoy doing. I know I haven't grown out of them: I simply have just forgotten how much they meant to me.
One of her biggest dreams was to become a mother. She dropped from almost being infertile to having the capability to conceive a baby. I'm so proud of her for that. I worry about that here and there too with my weight. I worry that I won't be able to have children for some reason. If I was unable to have children, I don't know what I would do with myself. I've wanted kids ever since I was a very little kid. I'm just extremely happy that Jacqui earned the privilege of becoming a mother.
Near the end of the show, right after her 9-months mark, she went into surgery to remove all the excess skin. Right before she went into surgery, she weighted 175 pounds. Throughout the 9 months, she lost 180 pounds: that's more than she currently weighs! I don't even know this chick, and I can honestly say that I am super proud to call her one of my inspirations. Obviously, if she can do this than I can do this! When she was going into surgery, she said that this whole year was definitely one of the hardest things she has done, but one of the most worth-while she's ever done with her life. She said that she finally is figuring out how to live, and that there are so many things on the horizon for her.
By Day 365, all of her family and friends gathered to celebrate her success. As Chris gave the opening speech before he introduced the new-and-improved Jacqui, he said, "[When I met her] she lived in this prison of shame and embarrassment and she always doubted herself. The theme of her life was 'I'm scared, I can't do this'. Once she truly believed in herself, from that point forward, it was my job just to get out of her way because she was a juggernaut. She truly was my perfect client. At 6 months she had lost 40% of her original body weight. And when she walks out here tonight just feel her presents, feel her confidence; it's mind blowing."
Once she walked out, the crowd of all of her friends and family just went wild. They all were so supporting and so helpful through it all, and I know Jacqui can't thank them enough. As she continued into her speech, she said, "I started gaining weight at a really young age so as an adult I've never seen my body has just a normal body. To see that I look healthy and strong, that kind of helped finish things off and I felt like I really got to a place that I wanted to be." Her goal weight was 155, and during this final weight in she surprised her friends and family with a total body weight of 146. She lost a total of 207 pounds in one year. Do you have any idea how incredibly remarkable that truly is? She thought it was impossible. In her words, "I could have lost any amount weight, but if I didn't chose to love myself and change my mind about who I was then I would still be just an empty shell of a person." This one episode especially made my heart melt. I'm looking at this thirty year old who is practically just like me. We think the same and have all of the same insecurities. It's so ironic that we are so alike. I can't wait to be in the same amazing situation as she is a year from now.
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| Summer 2012 is going to be the beginning of something spectacular. |
Similar to Jacqui, I want to create my own video talking to myself in a year from now.
It would be so moving, and I'm so excited to begin my journey officially tomorrow, June 12th, 2012!
