Tuesday

     November 14th, 2012.
     9:54pm
     The fact that I am still up after a day like this truly does amaze me. Yesterday, I literally worked out for a total of about three and a half hours. Fitness Challenge and swim practice totally kicked my butt, and I ended up eating my dinner with Alyssa and then going straight to bed. 12 hours of sleep last night wasn't even enough to make me feel energized for the day. Today I had Accounting I, College Algebra, Yearbook, and College Prep. Biology. Lets just say that I don't fancy my Red days, but luckily, I didn't fall asleep in any of my classes. I had swimming today from 3:30-5:30, and it was actually a pretty decent practice. All of us girls weight lifted with the wrestling boys for about a half an hour, which seemed to really make the swimming portion of practice go by quickly. I don't even know what stroke we worked on, that's how much I don't get swimming, but I'm guessing we were doing butterfly (because I struggled with the chicken, airplane, solider kicks), freestyle, and backstroke.
     It was definitely a better day for me than it was yesterday. I broke down crying twice during practice yesterday because I felt so out of it and so freaking overwhelmed. I honestly just need to rant about my swimming experience from yesterday, because I definitely don't think there is any way I'll be able to get over it. Anyways, I absolutely hate changing in front of other people. I don't change in front of strangers, friends, family, or anybody for that matter. I don't like my body with clothes, and I sure as heck don't like it without them. If I can't stand to look at myself, then I don't expect others to either. Every practice I exclude myself from the other girls just to go and change in the separate stall because I'm that self-conscious. It's not that I don't trust the other girls or anything, it's just that is how I am. I don't want to say that "it's just who I am and who I always will be", because I hope one day I'll be comfortable around others. Today may not be the day, but one day... Anyways, Katie, Felicia, and I all walked into the pool area with all the other girls. Immediately I felt totally judged. I don't know if I was just being paranoid or if girls were actually hating, but there were a few girls who religiously gave me elevator eyes. When someone judges me like, I don't even know how to respond to it all.
     To be continued...