Day 42 - Last Saturday Night

     July 23rd
     A day or two ago I had a complete meltdown. It sucks too, because I had such an amazing weekend with my two cousins. We went swimming three times during a 24-hour period! Anyways, I completely broke down when I was laying in bed Saturday night. Taylor hasn't talked to me in days, yet he has the time to text back my best friend. As much as I love and care about him, I seriously don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't ever want to talk to me! When we do talk, however, our relationship is unstoppable. Even though we never get to see each other, we still keep our relationship alive by talking on the phone and texting constantly. We talk about our future together, all of our likes and dislikes, what we did during the week, etc. I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I've spent on the phone with him. He really does make my life a whole lot better. Each and every time I get off the phone with him, I find myself smiling for hours. He makes me feel loved and truly wanted. Words can't even explain the feelings I get when he tells me that he loves me. No one has any idea how much I care about this guy, sincerely.

     The terrible thing about us dating is we do not ever see each other. He is also always busy with who knows what, and I find myself feeling like crap when we don't get to talk for a day or two. In the past, I've had guys completely ruin me. I don't want Taylor to just be another one of those guys. He means much more to me than most of the other guys ever did. It's so hard for me to even talk about Taylor right now; I'm just so emotionally drained. I constantly worry about him and I think about him almost all the time. When I see other couples holding hands, I wish that I could have that too. I don’t even necessarily want anything serious. I am only 15! I just want someone who I can talk to about all my problems, who will understand and believe in me, and who accepts me for me. I want someone who won’t judge me by my appearance, but on my take towards life. I need someone who I can just have a good time with. I don’t want my past to hold me back. It is weighing me down. Literally.
     With the shooting that went on in Aurora, I was still pretty devastated and upset. I don’t cope with death and loss very well, obviously. That was part of the reason why I was so upset Saturday night. Overall, I layed in bed and thought about how much I miss Taylor. I just want to be in his arms. I don’t have anyone in Eaton who loves me like he loves me. I seriously just layed in bed, listening to Taylor Swift, crying my heart out. I’m so lonely. Sure, I have amazing friends like Alyssa who I can talk to about anything, but she can’t make me feel wanted like a man can. Part of the reason why I depend on guys so much to take me happy is because I’ve never really had a guy there for me growing up. I have my papa and my step dad, but I never had the chance to see them every single day. Not having a dad who cares about me is such a big struggle. It affects everything. I looked up at the ceiling, that awful Saturday night, and felt like a failure. I can’t even be happy on my own. I constantly have to feel wanted to be happy. I wanted all the pain that night to end. I couldn’t stand not knowing what Taylor was doing or why he didn’t want to talk to me. I just wanted all my fears and insecurities to melt away. That Saturday night, past midnight, I layed there in bed, and just wanted to die.
     To be continued…