July 20th, 2012.
It's crazy how the time can just slip away from me. Time flies when you're having fun, I guess? Yeah, it sounds clique, but it's actually true. Anyways, I've actually been having a pretty great summer. It makes me sad to think that we only have about a month left. I definitely don't regret how I spent my summer. I had a great time, but the fun is definitely not over yet! Maybe I'll get the opportunity to drive down to Widefield to see the guy I've been "dating" for awhile now. I hate long distance relationships. It sucks because I can't drive yet and I don't have any money. He's pretty much in the same boat that I am though. Speaking of Taylor, I'm actually working on a letter to him right now. There is still so much I want to tell him, and letters are just so personable! I really hope he likes it! I'm crossing my fingers. Anyways, I'm going off topic again! This school year, at this point, I legitimately I hope I do a whole lot better. I really want to attend every football and boys basketball game. I want to be fully committed to the yearbook, FCCLA, and the staff. I want to try new things, like go out for the swimming and diving team, apply for NHS, volunteer more, and maybe actually find a job. I get my license on March 8th, 2013! Mark your calendars everybody: I drive like hell on wheels! I'm totally kidding... kind of.
Earlier this evening my grandma explained to me what happened at midnight last night. She told me all about the shooting in Aurora, and it absolutely broke my heart. It can best be compared to what happened at Columbine High School so many years ago. They are both very different cases, but they still greatly impacted Colorado and all of the United States. Like I said on Facebook, it seems like Colorado only gets recognized when something bad happens in our state, which totally blows. I think it is just about time we make national headlines for something amazing! If only I knew of something amazing that happens in Colorado. I hate myself though, in the sense that I always feel like I'm going to be the next person at Eaton High School to pass away. Don't ask me why, but I constantly feel like I'm bound to die at a young age. Creepy, I know. What does that mean!?
Basically, I'm staying up rather late just to post on this silly thing. My girl Kaitlyn posted on my Facebook a couple of days ago. Her and Cheyanne did a TBH, and to make a long story short, what Kaitlyn said really made me think. In a way, it broke my heart because it was so blankly honest, and overall true. This isn't entirely what was on the post, but this is what I'm talking about. "...Your advice that you give is always the best, but you just need to learn to follow it... Nothing can ever stop you from reaching your goals..." Now listen here: I've never truly been all that close to Kaitlyn. In fact, when I first met her, I honestly didn't like her! That was definitely before I got to know her though. We sincerely have talked about some pretty deep stuff in the past, and our friendship was definitely a two-way street. I really appreciate all her hugs and sweet smiles towards me. She is a kind person, and I do honestly wish we would have gotten closer before she moved. That's high school though, huh? You talk to people crazily over Facebook but you never really get to know them offline. It sucks that we never hung out or anything. In the end though, we probably have more similarities than differences, but she is just one of those type of people that everyone wants to be around. As much as I like her, I don't think she thinks I'm all that cool though! People and their kind words, like hers, really do help me push myself forward. Thanks Kaitlyn, and to all the many people who use their powerful words to influence me. Words can't explain my empathy.
I do appreciate how honest she was towards me. It actually made me cry when I realized what she meant in her post. It was an aware, yet disappointed kind of crying though. I'm fully aware now how multiple people probably see me. Yal probably read my posts and think, "Oh hot damn, this girl has quite a head on her shoulders." When you see me in person though, many people probably think, "My goodness. This girl doesn't come off as a strong and put together kind of person. She appears weak and is definitely unapproachable." Now I obviously can't read yours or anyone else's mind, but if I was in your shoes, I would definitely say or think this. Sometimes, my honesty just kills me.
I'd like to say that I just can't lose this weight. I'd like to say that I want to give up, on myself and on my success. That isn't me though. This isn't me. I'm honest-to-blog not giving my 100%. You would know if I was giving my full 100! You guys just have no idea how difficult it is for me to get out of bed every morning, put on my XL T-shirt, my baggy boy shorts, and look into the mirror at myself. I don't see me. I don't see the person I want to be, or even the person that I am. When I don't look into my reflection, I feel like a pretty normal, thin person. I feel like I fit in. As soon as I look into that mirror though, reality slaps me across the face. And it definitely hurts at first. It warns me that if I don't quit my bad habits I could end up dead, physically and emotionally. I have my moments when I do feel dead. I feel numb actually. It is as if I'm here, but I'm not "here". It's like when your teachers will ask the class a question, or say something, and you all hear her but you don't respond. And she ends up questioning if you're awake or not. You know?
I'm sure you know by now, but I don't think you can even imagine how hard it is for me to become motivated and stick to it. It must not make sense to you because it definitely doesn't make sense to me. I love to workout. I love that feeling I get after I've worked my a** off at something and I'm completely sore because of it. I love to eat healthy too. I prefer fruits and vegetables to any damn chocolate bar. But mentally I am totally opposite to those things. I chose not to go walking like I used to. I chose to eat those stupid pizza rolls, even when there is other alternatives sitting in our refrigerator. If you can explain this concept to me, I'd gladly like to listen and somehow try to understand. I'm either brain damaged, or damned.
I apologize if I have bad grammar or if some of my sentences are jacked up. I'm too exhausted to proofread tonight. It's past 1am here in Colorful Colorado.
If you're reading this, please let me know. I don't even know who is still following and keeping up with my rare blog posts. If you're reading this, please txt me or message me on Facebook or post on my wall or comment on this post or email me or something! I honestly would love to hear from you, and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Most of yal know my contact information, but if you don't know it, check my Facebook profile. I hope you guys are having a great summer. I love you. Goodnight, and thank you for reading this hun. I'm going to try and post a lot more often. I need to get a lot off of my chest. Literally. BAHAHAHA!
Personal email: powelljehna@gmail.com
Blog email: imlosing2gain@gmail.com
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I am the reason why I am overweight. No one made me do it. I did this to myself. I am the reason why I will be healthy and fit one day. No one can do it for me. I will do it because I know I can.
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